12 Signs Of Gaslighting In Relationships
No doubt you have heard the word gaslighting before. It seems that it’s everywhere these days. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that causes the victim to question their thoughts, feelings, judgment, memories, and sanity.
The perpetrator seeks to try and manipulate their partner and present their thoughts and feelings as truth. Although there are several gaslighting tactics, this blog explores twelve signs of gaslighting in relationships.
First, gaslighters are good. They are seductive. They have honed and perfected their gaslighting skills.
Here are some things that Gaslighters will say to you:
If you had been a better spouse, i wouldn’t have cheated.
I am sorry you feel that way. This - by the way - is so common.
You need to learn how to communicate better.
You are the only person I have problems with.
You are being overly sensitive.
You are crazy. I never said that. You need help.
I better do this so you don’t yell at me later.
I didn’t do anything wrong. Why would you say that?
We talked about this. Don’t you remember?
You are forgetting a lot of things lately.
You are terrible with money.
You won’t get anyone better than me.
Why did you do that? You have a tendency to do..
You act that way because you are going through a mid-life crisis.
What is a Gaslighter’s plan?
The gaslighting often starts out gradually. Their behaviors are slightly insidious and peppered with good intentions. It’s a way for the gaslighter to use an effort to exert power over you, a little kernel at a time.
Using emotional manipulation, the gaslighter shifts the power to one person - them. This shift is often subtle at first and occurs over a period of time. They begin the steps to break you down. It’s a repeated pattern of manipulation.
Over time, and through calculated steps, they use psychological manipulation where you begin to feel you are going crazy, doubt your memory, and believe you are remembering things incorrectly. You are not. They are that good.
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How a Gaslighter will Manipulate you
A gaslighter will manipulate you by starting to suggest to you that you have become unreliable. They complain about issues in the relationship pointing the finger at you and that it’s all your fault. They may say you have become ‘mentally unstable and unpredictable.’
They break down the trust you have in yourself. You question your sense of reality. This only increases how much dependency you have on them. You begin to rely on your partner more for your memory, to recall memories or make decisions.
You question your judgment. You start to think – could my partner be right? Could I be imagining things incorrectly? They attempt to convince you that you are remembering or misinterpreting events incorrectly.
This is a cycle that becomes increasingly toxic and abusive. The emotional damage they cause is very destructive. The abuse is malicious that causes you to question your experiences. Your self-esteem takes a dive. You don’t trust yourself. You are looking for proof that you are not going crazy. You spend a lot of time doing this. It’s exhausting. These are all blatant red flags.
This is, after all, their plan. Eventually, they have complete control over you.
12 Signs of Gaslighting
Here are 12 signs of gaslighting that you should be aware of from blatant lies to cutting you off from other people.
1.They tell blatant lies.
Their lies are to manipulate you to gain control. They create a web of lies that leave you questioning what is going on. Ask: do they lie to you often? Are you experiencing something different? Does their story add up?
2. They deny.
They will not take responsibility for their actions. They will forget what happened and then blame their behaviors you. You stand there scratching your head thinking am I going crazy? What is wrong with me?
3. They use countering.
They question your memory. They ask things like are you sure? Or I think you are remembering things incorrectly. They will deny the event occurred or they will pretend to forget what actually happened. They do this even if you have evidence.
4. They withhold.
They pretend they do not understand the conversation or refuse to listen so you begin to doubt yourself. They say things like- I don’t know what you are talking about. You are confusing me.
5. They make you lose your sense of self.
You wonder what is wrong with you. You become afraid to share your experiences with friends or family, because you doubt your reality so much, that you think they will believe your partner. You distrust yourself and rely on others to make decisions for you.
6. They divert.
A gaslighter will divert the attention to something else or question someone’s credibility. That is nonsense what you read. Or where did you read that? Are you sure?
7. They trivialize.
They belittle or disregard how you feel. They tell you that you are ‘too sensitive’ and shouldn’t feel that way. You are overreacting to what is actually valid concerns. They would tell you that other people wouldn’t be reacting the same way.
8. They make you doubt reality.
You look for times that they didn’t treat you this way, feeling like you are too sensitive or that how they are treating you isn’t that bad. You question your experiences and what you believe is real. You question yourself.
9. They cut you off.
They cut you off from family and friends making you feel more powerless and helpless. You feel alone and isolated from others.
10. They blame-shift.
They shift the blame by twisting the conversation so you end up feeling you are responsible for their behavior. For example, they may say, ‘if you didn’t do…, then I wouldn’t have done… When you stop and think about it, you may think, well I did do that, so maybe I am to blame.
11. They use distraction.
They change the subject by asking another unrelated question but never answer your question or the current issue. So, you begin to fear expressing yourself for fear of how they will respond or fear their redemption. They make you feel stupid.
12. They use the silent treatment.
They use the silent treatment to punish you when you displease them. You never know when you are able to speak to them. They control the situation. You are left in the dark.
How To Deal With Gaslighting
If you suspect or believe your partner is gaslighting you, you will want to take the steps to deal with it effectively. First, make sure its true gaslighting. When they offer a different opinion than yours or may say, aren’t you kind of being too sensitive or overreacting, that’s not necessarily gaslighting unless it’s a part of a pattern.
Now, if you choose to stay because you want or have to, there are several things you can start to do now to help you navigate this unhealthy and toxic relationship. However, if you have the opportunity to leave, you should. These situations rarely if ever get better.
1. Use clear communication.
Choose a time to speak to your partner when both of you are in a good place mentally and emotionally, and not stressed. Don’t tell them what he’s doing wrong, but explain the situation sharing the problem and your participation - how they make you feel and then open up the dialogue. Be calm and assertive. Don’t be afraid to speak up.
2. Keep the evidence.
It’s important to not only recognize the gaslighting behaviors but also keep the evidence. Get a journal, save text messages and emails so that when you begin to doubt yourself, you have the evidence.
3. Rally your team of support.
It’s important to have other people in your life that are supportive that will help you gain a different perspective and not make you feel ‘crazy.’ You need a strong support system to also help you decide your next steps.
4. Gain some distance.
When emotions are intense and heightened, we don’t always react the way we want to. It can also evoke more gaslighting behaviors. Take a step back, walk outside, do something that creates distance to help you relax.
5. Set healthy boundaries.
It’s helpful to set limits on the gaslighting and let your partner know they cannot get away with their behaviors. You see what they are doing. This allows you set limitations on their abusive behaviors.
6. Trust your gut.
We all have the ‘sixth sense’ that ‘gut reaction’ that over time, we can lose because we are caught up in the abuse cycle. Quiet your mind and take the time to listen to what your inner self is saying to you. You will recognize this feeling.
7. Seek professional help from a therapist.
A therapist not only provides the safe space to talk about your thoughts and feelings, but asks you questions that make you think differently about your situation. They provide the skills and strategies to address this issue in ways that are healthy. This will help you get stronger and create inner strength.
8. Consider leaving the relationship.
Unless your partner is willing to make changes and have insight to their behaviors, things will not change. The relationship is unhealthy, imbalanced, toxic, and abusive. You need to seriously consider how they make you feel and if you believe staying is the best choice for you.
Final Thoughts on Gaslighting
You really cannot stop the gaslighting in your relationship because it’s a form of emotional abuse. The only way to end the gaslighting is for the perpetrator to admit and accept their behaviors and own their truths. It also means they are willing to own their feelings so they don’t feel like they have to you down to feel better.
The ONLY thing you have control over is whether or not you choose to stay in the relationship if things do not get better. You have to put your health, emotional well-being, and integrity - first. You are that important.
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