How to Become Less Codependent in Your Relationship

It's hard to be in a relationship and not feel the urge to be overly involved in your partner's life, but it can cause problems for both parties if you are not careful. Although it can be difficult to recognize when you're being codependent, especially if you're not used to being alone and not dealing with things on your own, you CAN become less codependent in your relationship.

In a codependent relationship, you tend to the needs of the other person and are viewed as the ‘giver’ in the relationship and when you don’t feel needed by the other person, you tend to feel worthless and sad.

Contrary to that is the enabler who is viewed as the ‘taker.’ They will continue to take from the giver.

This type of relationship often becomes unhealthy and is reinforced over time. Although these relationships are often unhealthy and are not sustainable long-term there are ways you become less codependent in your relationship.

Here are seven steps you can take right now.

How Does Someone Become Codependent?

Codependency is often rooted in adverse childhood experiences (ACE). You have become codependent when you took on an inappropriate emotional responsibility or you were ‘parentified’ (being placed in a parental role at a young age) in order to survive a traumatic upbringing.

When this happened, you learned to neglect and forsake your needs for the sake of your parents.

Unfortunately, this becomes a learned behavior that on the one hand helped you survive your childhood, but set you up to struggle to maintain healthy relationships as an adult. And all too often, your parent is either over or under protective which encourages in unhealthy ways for the child to become codependent.

But having an awareness and understanding of codependence can help you find clarity and peace in your relationships, which can be the path to being less codependent. Don’t forget - change IS possible.

Interested in living a more intentional and purposeful life? Check out my new interactive workbook that has 40 thought-provoking questions to help guide you here!

8 signs of a codependent relationship

1. It’s a dysfunctional relationship: Both of you feel they cannot exist without one another. Being codependent creates a circular relationship where one person needs the other person who then needs their partner to be needed.

This is very unhealthy and is reinforced over time, by both people. This also creates a relationship that has unhealthy communication and where one person needs the other person who then needs to be needed.

2. There is unhealthy emotional bonding: People in codependent relationships sometimes suffer from emotional bonding. You are both so emotionally attached to each other that you can't function without each other even if this attachment isn't healthy or good for either one of them.  

3. There is an imbalance of power: This occurs when one person is giving too much energy and time to the relationship with an excessive focus on the other person. This person often will take advantage of this - often unintentionally. This tends to maximize their needs and desires forsaking the other person’s needs and desires.

4. You want to change them: When we realize our partner is different from us, often in critical ways, you might want to change them so that the differences and often the strife is less. This never works. A person can only change if they want to. There is nothing a person can do to change another person.

5. You lack self-care: You forsake what you want to do to spend time together. There might be things you want to do, but don’t do them because you want to spend time with them. Spending time with your partner is good and can be healthy - within healthy limits and boundaries. It might be hard for you to follow through with plans that you made when you realize you will be spending time apart.

6. You are unable to describe your relationship: When you are in a codependent relationship, you might have a hard time explaining or sharing your thoughts and feelings about the relationship. This is often because you are hyper focused on the other person and unable to articulate how you really feel.

7. You have a hard time being alone: Being codependent often results in you having a hard time tolerating being alone or not hearing from your partner. Being alone makes you feel unsettled and anxious.

8. Your needs are not being met: This is often because you struggle to ask for what you need. Sometimes you are not sure what you need or because you are - again - so focused on the other person, you don’t know what you need. Also, even if you know what you need, you feel you don’t have the right to ask for what you need.

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You May Be In A Codependent Relationship If:

• You feel anxious if you don’t hear from your partner.

• You are too needy in the relationship.

• You have a difficult time being without them for extended periods of time. You need to see and hear from them constantly.

• Your relationship is the source of your overall happiness, self-worth and self-esteem.

• You experience a constant fear of rejection, abandonment, and criticism.

• You always feel the need to ensure they are happy with you.

• You don’t know how to take care of yourself without them there to help.

• You often try to change your partner because you hold onto an overly idealized view of your partner.

• Issues remain ongoing and unaddressed magnified by poor communication and a relationship imbalance

• You feel like you cannot live without them.

• You feel a strong desire to keep yourself connected with the other person.

9 Tips on How to Become Less Codependent in Your Relationship

It's common for people in relationships to become codependent. It's a natural tendency that we all have. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, unless there is an imbalance of power and you forsake your needs for another person.

However, there are ways you can start to heal and become less codependent - NOW.

1.) Learn to put your own needs first

Ask yourself, what is important to me? What is something that I would like to do that meets my needs? These are important questions because when a person becomes codependent, they can easily lose their sense of self - like who they are and what they want.

It's important to be selfish at times. Find these times so that you can honor your needs and wants. This helps you become less emotionally needy.

It’s important to learn how to take care of yourself before you can help others do the same. This means making sure that your basic needs are met and that your feelings are validated by someone else not just in your head but also out loud.

When you can start to take care of yourself, you are less likely to suffer physical, psychological, or emotional problems. It is often challenging for you to put yourself first, but this is a critical first step.

2.) Practice self-care

Self-care can be anything you want it to that nurtures you in physically, emotionally, and mentally healthy ways. This could be taking a bath or going for a run. It could also mean meeting with friends or participating in hobbies that bring joy into your life - like writing, journaling, reading -  just any activity or hobby - without your partner.

This means learning how to value yourself and find and honor your own needs. Journaling is a great way to show self-love and write ways you can affirm yourself. Self-care also means exactly what it says - care for yourself - whatever this may look like. This also helps you become less resentful with your partner.

3.) Communicate with your partner

The most important thing you can do to make your relationship healthier is to start communicating with your partner. If you do not communicate with your partner about what makes him or her happy or unhappy, you will be unable to offer the support necessary for growth and development.

Learn how to express your needs, listen with intention, and find new ways in which you can start to communicate with your partner in more effective and healthy ways.

Good communication also includes being assertive (using your voice, not being aggressive) saying how you feel using ‘I’ statements, and acting with consideration and understanding.

Start communicating with your partner which means that if you are asked to do something tonight and you are not able, then say I am not available at this time rather than giving an excuse.

This also means sharing with your partner the roots of your codependency and your desire to change. Healthier communication helps you more confident using your voice and making necessary changes.

People who are codependent in relationships often communicate their needs in a passive-aggressive way, riddled with resentment, immature and primitive (thinking and behaving), and lacking a sense of self.

4.) Identify patterns in your life

Think about the patterns in your life and how they affect your partner. For example, if you tend to get very anxious before big events or when things are changing quickly, consider how this might affect your partner.

They too may be feeling anxious about plans changing at the last minute or if they have something stressful going on at work. It’s important to understand how your actions impact each other so that you can support each other in times of need.

It is also important to identify the triggers that activate your needs to take care of others and please others, forsaking your sense of self.

It also helps to identify patterns in your life that led you to become codependent and to also take the time to discover and look for signs of what it means to be in a healthy relationship. You can do this by not only unraveling your patterns but by looking at incorporating new patterns of relating.

Ask: Am I this way in other relationships? Or in previous romantic relationships? This is the time to do a relationship inventory to figure out your patterns. I will share a video on what a relationship inventory in the video write-up. Look for patterns that reinforce your codependency tendencies.

5.) Read about codependency

Becoming aware is the first step and then take the next step to read about codependency to educate yourself and become more knowledgeable. This will also help you change. Books such as Codependent No More and Boundaries are both filled with information.

Beyond reading about codependency, also read about trauma and your attachment style. There are many resources, blogs, and articles (and people!) that you can read to learn the signs of a healthy relationship.

6.) Learn how to set boundaries for yourself

Setting boundaries for yourself helps you become less of a people pleaser. Saying yes and no to things that you do or don't want to do. If you say no, stick to it! It's important not to become too dependent upon others for happiness or validation.

If you are someone who says ‘yes’ often, then when you start to say no, it can and often does create problems because you are changing things and recognizing what’s best for you. Over time, saying no will become easier and you will feel better for doing it. 

And setting boundaries for yourself and reinforcing them even during difficult and challenging times will help you become less codependent. You don't want to become too dependent upon others for happiness or validation because then it becomes harder for anyone else to be there for you when things go wrong (or even right).

Both partners must have their own lives outside of the relationship so that they can be happy without having their needs met by someone else's happiness first. Doing this creates an interdependent relationship, and helps you overcome co-dependency.

Codependent relationships without boundaries become dysfunctional and difficult to manage. Healthy boundaries are there for a reason.

7.) Start to practice mindfulness

Mindfulness is about giving yourself permission to feel what you feel. Its self-approval. You are saying to yourself that you accept how you feel and don't pass judgment on yourself - whatever your feelings are.

I approve of these feelings because it means that I am moving through something difficult and I want to change. This is part of my journey. This is a great way to learn how to be present with yourself and with others without feeling like you need something from them all the time.

Mindfulness is when you are mindful of your thoughts and feelings, and you accept them without passing judgment on yourself or going down the proverbial ‘rabbit hole’ repeating the same negative narrative you have been telling yourself. Being more mindful also about practicing meditations.

If you're not sure how to get started with this practice, try meditating for just five or ten minutes each day or simply noticing what's happening around you without judging it as positive or negative (this will help reduce any anxiety).

8.) Learn how to create an interdependent relationship

An interdependent relationship involves and requires a balance of self and others within the relationship. Both partners recognize that learning to be present and meet each other’s physical and emotional needs in meaningful ways, is key.

This includes each person taking time for their personal interests, feeling safe and vulnerable around one another, not relying on your partner to make you happy, and having a healthy sense of self-esteem. This type of relationship is key to creating a safe, healthy, and secure relationship and is the healthiest type of relationship.

Creating and maintaining an emotional connection is key to creating a safe, healthy, and secure relationship. The connection that is built between both partners helps to create a deeper level of understanding, seeing, hearing, and validating one another.

And the strength of this connection determines the success of a long-term relationship. This is a core feature of an interdependent relationship.

9.) Work with a mental health professional

Often a therapist can help you work through your codependency struggles faster than doing it on your own. They help uncover the trauma that often leads to these types of behaviors.

For example, a person can become codependent when they take on an inappropriate emotional responsibility or they are ‘parentified’ (being placed in a parental role at a young age) to survive a traumatic upbringing. In therapy this is discussed.

Maybe your parent used you to talk about inappropriate things (like money) or depended on you to meet their emotional needs.

If this happened to you, then you will begin to neglect and forsake their needs for the sake of your parent. Unfortunately, this becomes a learned behavior that on the one hand helps you survive your childhood but sets you up to struggle to maintain healthy relationships as an adult.

Can a Codependent Relationship Be Fixed?

The short answer - yes. Although codependency is often a serious problem in relationships, it can be fixed if both of you are willing to make the changes necessary to make their relationship work.

Codependent people often feel like they have no control over their lives or their happiness, as they see their own happiness as being dependent on someone else - but this is not true. They have to learn how to take control of their life and their happiness and recognize that each person is responsible for their own life.

It’s important to remember that the love you may feel for someone you are codependent on maybe love, but it may also be fear of being without them. The other take-home message is that there is importance in deciding to take the steps to become less codependent and learn how to love yourself, put yourself first, and understand the traits that comprise a healthy, interdependent relationship.

Here are 4 things to remember working through codependency:

1. Learn to take the steps to learn how to take control of your life and happiness and recognize that each person is responsible for their own life.

2. Awareness, taking teeny tiny steps, making a commitment to change - even a small one, and holding yourself accountable to these changes are ways in which one and/or both people can make the necessary changes to experience personal growth both individually and collectively as a couple.

3. There is importance on deciding to take the steps to become less codependent and learn how to love yourself, put yourself first, and understand the traits that comprise a healthy, interdependent relationship.

4. Taking the time to make small changes, over time allows each person to use their voice and share what their needs are in a healthy way, and this is done through positive communication.

However, if you have an unhealthy codependent relationship, likely, the person you're with is not good for your mental health and well-being.

Final Thoughts

The best way to become less codependent in your relationship is to make sure that you're doing what's best for you and to gain a better and deeper understanding of how you became codependent.

Understanding this will allow you to ‘unpack’ and change how you view yourself in the context of a relationship. Because identifying how you became codependent and the effects of this in your relationship will help you pivot and create a new path for yourself and your relationship.

And if you have a healthy codependent relationship, it's likely that your partner brings out the best in you and helps you grow as a person. It can also be healthy if one person wants to learn how to connect more on a deeper level and become a bit more ‘needier’.

It can be challenging to change your behavior, but it is possible. Identifying how you became codependent and the effects on this in your relationship will help you pivot and create a new path for yourself and your relationship.

But having an awareness and understanding of codependence can help you find clarity and peace in your relationships and which can be the path to being less codependent.

Change is always possible.

Despite our challenges in life, there is often a silver lining.

interested in working together? let’s chat!

Looking to live more intentionally? Check out my new interactive workbook here!

Embark on a transformative journey with our workbook featuring 40 thought-provoking questions designed to guide you toward a more intentional and purposeful life. Explore your values, clarify your goals, and cultivate greater self-awareness through engaging exercises that empower you to make mindful choices and create a life aligned with your deepest aspirations.

Photo cred: @joshhild