10 Questions That Help Create a Healthy Relationship

communicationcouple counselingRelationships

Jan 7

All couples want to be in a healthy relationship but sometimes it’s hard to get there. However, here are ten questions that can help both of you create a healthier relationship. By asking and answering these ten questions, you can begin to create a healthier relationship and take your relationship to a deeper level.

Couples often express communication issues as their primary reason for seeking therapy. Although they also share other struggles such as intimacy, finances, family, and infidelity among others, at the core of these issues is ineffective and often unhealthy communication.

They have circular conversations and have a desire to be ‘right’, have difficulty seeing the other’s perspective, keep score, get defensive, and use different communication styles.

Couples recognize that they have to learn how to show up differently, expand their lens, challenge unhealthy communication patterns, and identify exactly what kind of relationship they are seeking.

This means putting thoughts into words and then sharing those thoughts with your partner.

Why it is important to ask relationship-building questions

Building a strong foundation means not only changing how you are communicating but also ensuring you have a strong foundation of trust and security within the relationship.

These deep relationship questions allow couples to express how they feel and give them the tools to get them to improve their relationship.

Couples who ask important relationship questions help them create what I call ‘exploratory conversations.’ These conversations seldom have an initial end game but provide deeper and more meaningful conversations that address their issues.

When couples feel that they don’t have to get to the finish line right off the bat, they are often more receptive to talking, listening, and being more reflective.

Having these types of conversations allows each person to feel heard, listened to, understood, and supported.

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Healthy Relationship Questions to ask your partner

Although it often takes time and intention to have deeper and more meaningful conversations, they can help improve your relationship. A willingness to do something different is a start. Below you will find my top ten questions to build trust in a relationship and foster a stronger connection.

1.) What are your expectations of the relationship?

The number one question to ask in a new relationship is what are your expectations? We all have them but are they reasonable or lofty? Big difference.

Are they sustainable or do they demand too much from one or both? Unspoken expectations often lead to disappointments, but if these relationship questions are framed correctly and expressed in healthy ways, they can produce healthier conversations. It also prevents ‘mind reading’ - which we all know is the road to nowhere.

2.) What does a healthy relationship look like?

If you were to visualize a healthy relationship, what would you see? What are the traits that you think about?? What are the signs of a healthy relationship that come to mind?

Sharing your thoughts about what a healthy relationship looks like allows both of you to talk about many different things - such as intimacy, family, extended family, social media, and the influence of work - among many other things.

3.) Are you willing to make small but sustainable changes?

Recognizing the changes YOU need to make is the first step in making relationship changes. If you are waiting for your partner to change and/or continue to blame them without looking inward, then you will stay stuck - and so will the relationship.

So, instead of blaming your partner, what are you willing to do to take responsibility for your life? Share some of the things that both acknowledge can be challenges and ways in which you both can make sustainable changes.

For the couple to grow and thrive, each person has to make individual changes.

4.) Can you agree with 5-10% of what your partner is sharing?

You don’t have to agree with everything your partner is saying, but could you agree with 5-10%? This demonstrates that in most conversations, there are many shades of gray, and not all relationship conversations should be evaluated in black and white terms.

This helps decrease some of the conflicts in the relationship as you are open and receptive to seeing their point of view - even on a small scale.

5.) How will you show up differently?

Showing up differently means being able to identify the changes that need to be made and taking actionable steps. This means demanding more (in healthy ways) for yourself and your partner. If you want a better relationship, take the steps you need to make to create one.

How do you want to show up differently? When is it hard to show up differently and what can you do to change that?

6.) Ask, how can WE do better?

When couples look at their issues together and use this pronoun - as opposed to ‘you’ or ‘I’, it really does change how both view the relationship. Having a ‘we’ attitude helps both people feel they are in this together. This may feel like a deep relationship question to ask, but it helps you to work as a team, rather than as individuals.

No doubt both of you can identify ways you could be doing better. Those are the things that you should be talking about.

Asking, what is our ideal relationship? And then set out to make some changes to reach that goal. Ask - how can WE do better?

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7.) Do your values and lifestyle align?

And if not, to what degree do your differences affect the health of the relationship? Your values were established many years ago and create your own foundation of how you relate to others, the world, and what is important to you.

When we align with our partners, decisions are often easier. If you don’t align, then how do you negotiate the differences? I strongly recommend asking this question in a new relationship.

8.) Are you showing up 100% in the relationship?

Not 50%. It means each person is showing up and being there for the other person. Are there times when one person is doing more of the heavy lifting? Sure. But showing up - by and large - 100% of the time, is ultimately the goal. How are you both showing up 100% for one another? If not, what is preventing you from showing up that way?

9.) Have you created a strong foundation of trust?

Again, trust provides a strong foundation. If there is not a strong foundation of trust, what factors have affected the trust? If there has been a betrayal - for example, infidelity or being neglectful in another way - has this been addressed?

A trusting relationship helps you feel safe and secure and thus allows more open and honest communication because you feel that your partner hears you and has your back. This is a key question to ask for a healthier relationship.

10.) Are you able to provide comfort and support for your partner?

Doing this, helps them feel more comfortable talking to you about difficult and challenging thoughts and feelings. If not, why not? What comes up for you that makes this difficult?

Putting aside your thoughts and feelings, even if only for a moment, so you are better able to hear and listen to what your partner is saying creates more comfort and support.

It will also allow each of you to speak more freely and share how you are feeling without feeling rushed. This also helps your partner slow down their thinking so they respond less defensively.

Final Thoughts

All couples struggle in some ways. But, asking and answering these important relationship questions helps provide guidance and structure so you can start having necessary conversations. These questions will allow both of you to pivot in your relationship to create the relationship you truly want and deserve.

To learn more about these important relationship questions and how they can enhance your life, get in touch with me today.