Are You Emotionally Needy?
What Does It Mean To Be Emotionally Needy?
We are hardwired to need people. It’s healthy to need others, to rely on them, especially during a difficult or challenging time in your life. You might find sometimes you need more emotional support than usual. It’s common. We all long to be understood, supported, loved, and accepted in a relationship. And it's ok to feel this way.
But you have to ask yourself, are you emotionally needy?
There is an important balance between recognizing it’s natural to need people and being too needy. If you find yourself feeling too emotionally needy and dependent on your partner, this can be unhealthy. We can also begin to feel too codependent on our partner.
How A Person Becomes Emotionally Needy
There are several reasons why someone might become emotionally needy:
Your attachment style.
Most people who are emotionally needy have an insecure (often anxious) attachment style. We used to think that our attachment style was predominantly due to our upbringing. Depending on how you were cared for as a baby determines your attachment style. However, we now know that that’s only a piece of the puzzle.
Your attachment style does not come from just one source, but other factors including life experiences, genetics, and relationship choices.
A history of emotional trauma.
This can be due to experiencing neglect, divorce, or childhood trauma. If a person has unresolved trauma, they are still seeking approval, love, and affection in their relationships but to an extreme degree.
Low self-esteem.
A person who has low self-esteem will not feel good about themselves and so they become needy or clingy in their relationship possibly out of fear of losing that person.
What does being emotionally needy mean?
When we are too demanding, clingy, annoying, and fragile, we often come across as being emotionally needy.
You tend to want to be very close to your partner and have the need for great intimacy. You have a fear that your partner doesn't want to be as close as you want to be. And because of this fear, you find yourself being very sensitive to any change or fluctuations in his or her behaviors or mood.
Much of your energy is spent managing your emotions around the relationship. Spending your energy this way is risky because it minimizes or denies your own needs. You look to others or your current partner to fill your emotional gaps and emptiness in a way that can become manipulative.
Your relationship can become unhealthy. You might find yourself feeling a bit out of control and asking yourself “am I too needy? Or is my partner emotionally unavailable?”
Interested in living a more intentional and purposeful life? Check out my new interactive workbook that has 40 thought-provoking questions to help guide you here!
Signs that you are too needy
There are several signs of unhealthy neediness within relationships. Do any of these resonate with you?
You worry about your partner's love and look for ways they don’t love you.
You need constant reassurance and will disagree if they do offer it because you are not sure if it’s genuine.
You are often emotionally overwhelmed and ‘need’ your partner to feel secure.
You are insecure and overly sensitive to slight differences in your partner.
You had a parent who was inconsistently nurturing.
You often move quickly and lose yourself in relationships.
You struggle with jealousy in relationships.
You constantly ask yourself “why am I so needy?” “Am I too clingy?” or “Does my partner not care about me?”
You can be obsessive with checking on your partner on social media
Does any of this sound familiar? If so, click here to learn how you can become less needy and a stronger individual.
If you are displaying any of these signs and want to work together to address your emotional neediness, I offer a free 15-minute consultation. Just click the button below!
interested in working together? let’s chat!
How Your Partner Feels
Your partner will begin to feel emotionally tapped out and overwhelmed by your neediness. They may feel worn out and have expressed this to you.
And yet, if you are an anxious person in your relationship, you do the very thing that is unhealthy - you become needy, which creates more resentment in your partner. They might begin to feel exhausted by the relationship and by you.
In your mind, you might be screaming, 'stop doing this', 'don't be so needy', and 'don't keep asking them the same questions'. But you cannot. You are drawn to these unhealthy behaviors like a moth to a flame. Your behaviors are very counterproductive, yet in the moment, it sounds like a good idea and feels so comforting - for you.
Ask yourself these questions
Do you look to your partner to fulfill all your needs in love, sex, and support?
Do you look at your romantic partner to make you happy?
Do you look to your partner for constant reassurance and validation?
Are you looking for others to make you feel good about yourself - always looking outside 'self' for reassurance? And even if you get it, do you depend on it all the time?
Do you feel abandoned if your partner is not available? Are you afraid your partner will not be there for you?
Do you get upset if your partner doesn’t react in a certain way or doesn’t meet a need?
If you are alone, do you do things to fill the void with other distractions? Or when alone, do you go over past conversations or worry that they might leave? Is it difficult to be alone?
Is your relationship the center of your universe? What about your relationship with other friends, family, or your kids? Does it bother you if you are not included in your partner's plans?
Do you get jealous of things that they are doing without you?
Final Thoughts.
I know you don’t want to live your life this way. And you don’t have to.
If you are able to recognize yourself in these difficult questions and can admit that you need to make a change, not just for yourself but for the sake of your partner and your relationship that is the first and hardest step. But becoming a healthier person is necessary so you can stand and be on your own without solely depending on another person in unhealthy ways.
If you feel like you are too needy, there are things you can do to become more independent and less emotionally demanding in my blog, “10 Ways to Become Less Emotionally Needy in Relationships, or book a FREE 15-minute consultation by clicking the button below to see how we can work together.
Looking to live more intentionally? Check out my new interactive workbook here!
Embark on a transformative journey with our workbook featuring 40 thought-provoking questions designed to guide you toward a more intentional and purposeful life. Explore your values, clarify your goals, and cultivate greater self-awareness through engaging exercises that empower you to make mindful choices and create a life aligned with your deepest aspirations.
