Traits Of An Easy and Healthy Relationship and Why Others Are Hard
No doubt you have observed couples who get along really well and wonder, how do they do it? Maybe you have experienced it. Maybe you have read about it. Regardless, it is common for people to say that relationships take hard work. But should they? Should a relationship be work? Sure, even healthy couples experience setbacks but for them overall, there is often an ease as they work through problems.
My experience has been that honestly some relationships are just easier. I often say that in these situations, the couple is ‘well-yoked.’ That’s because those relationships have many of the necessary traits of being easy and healthy. There are many reasons for that.
Couples that have an easy relationship become more secure and learn how to use healthy communication skills.
Should relationships take work?
Although, there are times when relationships are more challenging and can feel hard - it’s a struggle. However, a relationship should not feel like it is always a struggle.
Other couples who are less healthy remain in a power struggle - despite the years they have been together, have circular conversations, and are less attuned to their partner. Their relationships remain problematic.
They are filled with upheavals, differences in personalities, and issues that seem to not go away. These relationships are hard work. They are emotionally draining. They can easily become defensive.
These couples feel their relationship is like work because they lack skills that encourage healthy communication, are less compatible, and/or have not worked through individual issues.
As a therapist, I feel their ongoing distress. They experience a lot more ‘fits and starts’ than other couples. This is why some are in couples therapy for a few to several months while others will spend many more months rehashing the same issues and not feel that much further ahead. It can be a frustrating process for them. Hint: It often is.
Because for many of these couples, it’s the day in and day out of life where their energy is sucked away and it feels like there is always something.
Yes - all relationships take effort, intention, and attention, but when that effort starts to feel like actual work - hard work - your relationship is not serving its purpose. These are the moments that become trying and more challenging.
For many couples, they keep plugging along for a multitude of reasons. Some couples recognize this incompatibility and leave the relationship, while others remain in the status quo often feeling like they are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.
What does a healthy, easy relationship look like?
Healthy relationships mean that each person, by and large, has worked on their own issues. Yes, things come up, but they are more manageable than not.
They don’t come from a place of scarcity, insecurity, wanting to control their partner, or avoiding conflict. Each person has done the work on themselves or continues to do the work, but feels better equipped to manage the ups and downs of relationships.
They feel easy and sustainable in healthy ways. There’s a flow. There is no drama, poor or unhealthy communication, a lot of ups and downs, and fighting. Many conflicts are resolved quickly. Both people can move on and not continue to rehash issues. Is it perfect? No, but overall it feels easy. Hands down.
And you will want to continue to do the things that make your relationship continue to just hum along.
Will couples experience ups and downs? Yes, relationships aren’t easy all the time, but strong couples handle ups and downs in a way that makes them both feel committed and connected, with a ‘we attitude.’ Will there be situations that make the relationship more challenging? Yes.
They work through the challenges with more kindness, hope, and generosity. They recognize their role in the problems.
They are not afraid to express more vulnerability, and tackle the problems together. When both people come from this place, the relationship feels easier.
They recognize their shortcomings and want to get better at communicating with their partner. Do they do this perfectly? Hell no. But it’s the way they show up.
Many of these couples are simply just more compatible - they just hit some rough spots or recognize ongoing issues that need to be resolved using a third party.
Some of the things that come up in life will require more time and attention. For example, adding children or financial stress to your relationship can be taxing. But if you already have more of an easy relationship, how much will these factors affect your relationship? And will it then begin to feel like work?
Often, when you add more stressors or variables, relationships can be challenging, and resentment can build - but healthier couples lean in differently to address the issues. They communicate about them in a way that makes the other person feel secure and heard.
When you are a good fit, discussions, disagreements, and challenging times are not as difficult.
The things that come up can be hard - raising children, family strife, financial issues - but it doesn’t mean that your relationship must be hard. Many things that come up in life will require more time and attention. That’s a no brainer.
In healthier relationships it is often less challenging to talk through issues when you are a good fit. You are both adults that can discuss the issues and move on. Healthier couples lean in differently to address the issues. They communicate about them in a way that makes the other person feel secure and heard.
Healthy relationships require good communication, compromise, compassion, and gratitude, but that doesn’t mean you have to always be in a mindset of ‘making it work.’
Relationships should make your life easier, not harder.
17 signs of a healthy and easy relationship
1. The day-to-day has an ease to it
You both feel comfortable and secure in the relationship. You might use the words peaceful and calming. The relationship isn’t filled with drama or ups and downs. Yes, there are moments of difficulty and strife, but you know how to manage them in mature and non-hurtful ways.
2. Independence and space
You both have interests outside the relationship. You encourage this growth. You recognize that doing so makes the relationship stronger. You don’t use the words, “You complete me.” You are your own person. You were both functional, independent people before you started the relationship. Each partner feels free to pursue their own interests and maintain individual identities without feeling threatened or neglected. Let’s keep it that way.
3. Supportive Environment
Partners encourage each other’s goals and interests, celebrating successes and offering help during challenges.
4. You have each other’s back
You recognize the importance of being able to rely on your partner and that they have your back. You know that in the moment, they will show up for you. You trust and respect them. These are both critical components.
5. You use healthy and effective communication to express your needs
You have learned how to listen and be heard, as well as how to validate your partner. Your partner has learned how to listen to you in a non-judgmental way.
You find it easy and/or comforting to share your thoughts and feelings. You don’t feel judged. You feel safe. Disagreements are handled calmly and constructively, with both partners focused on finding solutions rather than winning arguments.
6. Shared Laughter and Fun
Enjoying each other’s company and sharing humor creates a lighthearted atmosphere that strengthens the bond. There is levity. You are both able to laugh with one another and recognize its importance in a relationship. Finding humor in some of the most difficult times reminds you that you feel safe to exhale.
7. Trust and Honesty
There’s a strong foundation of trust, where both partners feel secure being honest with one another. You trust one another. You wouldn’t do anything that would jeopardize the relationship. You think carefully about your choices and put your partner first. You strive not to cause your partner emotional pain and make that ever-present in your mind.
8. Mutual Respect
Each person values the other's opinions, boundaries, and individuality, fostering a sense of equality.
9. You practice setting healthy boundaries
You understand and respect their boundaries. Sharing secrets or information that is not yours to share, is not done. You have learned how to set healthy boundaries and know when to say both yes and no. You honor each other in that regard and don’t pressure your partner.
10. You like your partner. And yourself
Sure, they might drive you crazy at times - and that’s the truth - but overall, you like them as a human.
11. In a healthy relationship you make decisions together
Relationship decisions, by and large, are made together unless agreed upon differently. Each person considers their partner’s thoughts and feelings. They are able to talk it out. It’s not asking permission, it’s called having common courtesy. Big difference.
12. Quality Time Together
Both individuals prioritize spending time together, whether through planned activities or simply enjoying each other’s presence.
13. Both of you can find a pattern that works
Compromises and adjustments are just that - it is not made any more complicated.
14. You don’t hold grudges
You both recognize that conflicts and disagreements are common, but a small slight doesn’t turn into something of magnitude. And you know that after a discussion, things will return to normal. Either person is not resentful or holding a grudge against the other one.
15. It’s easy to make plans
Whether it's traveling or going out for the weekend, plans are made with both people doing the legwork and working together. It feels seamless in many ways.
You can talk about the present and future together. You recognize you are a strong team.
16. You can blend your families together
There is not a lot of strife between the families.
17. You can manage the ups and downs, and don’t argue (most of the time) over the small stuff
In every relationship, there will be those things you need to not get caught up in and recognize that not everything has to be an issue.
Do couples practice these behaviors all the time? Hell no. But by and large - yes they do. And that’s what makes them easier.
Does your relationship feel like work?
Here are eight signs that a relationship may require significant effort to maintain:
Frequent Miscommunication: Regular misunderstandings or difficulty expressing feelings can lead to frustration and confusion.
Ongoing Conflict: Persistent arguments or unresolved issues may indicate deeper compatibility problems or unaddressed concerns.
Lack of Trust: Feelings of insecurity or suspicion can create tension and require continuous reassurance from each partner.
Imbalance in Effort: If one partner consistently invests more time or energy into the relationship, it can lead to feelings of resentment or burnout. This makes it feel that your relationship is emotionally and mentally exhausting and draining.
Diminished Intimacy: A noticeable decline in emotional or physical closeness can signal a need for rekindling connection and affection.
Different Values or Goals: Conflicting priorities, life goals, or core values can create friction, requiring ongoing negotiation and compromise.
Emotional Exhaustion: If interactions often leave you feeling drained or overwhelmed, it may indicate that the relationship is taking more from you than it gives. This is often in the form of circular conversations that go nowhere and where resentment over past slights, live.
Fear of Change: If one or both partners are resistant to growth or change within the relationship, it can create stagnation and ongoing tension. Possibly one person doesn’t invest the time for personal growth.
Recognizing these signs can help partners address issues together and decide whether they want to invest in improving the relationship.
Final Thoughts
At this very moment, there are things each of you can do to move your relationship in a healthier direction. The first step is to become aware that there are changes that need to be made. Own the ones that belong to you and take the steps to change.
Talk to your partner or spouse about wanting to make changes to the relationship for it to become healthier. Or maybe it’s time to get professional help.
Take the necessary time to examine your relationship, and take the steps to make it less work, and more fun, with greater joy and happiness. Have exploratory conversations about how you both can do better. Address individual issues and figure out a way to get out of the past and move to the present so you can create a different future.
Every Day.
You choose.
Just start.
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