8 Signs of An Unhealthy Relationship

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Aug 18

Relationships can and often do bring out the best in people. They make us stronger (both individually and as a couple), help us feel more united, and remind us that we are not alone in this big wide world. They allow us to feel good about the direction in our life. However, here are 8 signs of an unhealthy relationship you should be aware of.

That person becomes the person we want and need them to be, which often means dismissing some negative behaviors. We prefer to see what's good in the person and what we like, rather than the stuff that we don't like.

What does an unhealthy relationship look like?

We create an image in our mind of this person that we want him/her to be. That's understandable. We say, ‘give it more time.’ ‘How bad can it be?’ ‘No one is perfect!’

We do this because while in the throes of lust and love, the very last thing we want to happen is for anything to disrupt that or make us question the other person - or, more importantly, make us question ourselves or our judgment.

Or worse, sometimes we ignore some of their unhealthy relationship signs because we see their potential. When you see the potential you think a person has, you tend to keep a firm grasp on them because of your fear that they will become what you wanted after you’re gone. However, this rarely happens.

Oftentimes, the potential we see for a person is merely just a reflection of what you want that person to be and knowing they could be capable of becoming it if they would just try. So, you try to help them. Over time, this can create codependency in the relationship.

Why do unhealthy relationships occur?

You have to allow yourself to truly know the person and what life they want - don’t cloud the reality of your partner with your dreams for what you want them to be. Sometimes we just ignore the red flags because we are so convinced that either this person is perfect or blinded by the illusion that they could be.

Eventually, as time goes on, our rose-colored glasses become less rosy and slightly more transparent. We start to examine our relationship with our eyes wide open. And guess what happens to those things that were ‘tugging’ at us earlier in the relationship? Yep. They rise to the top and become those things that really start to bother us. Those things often hide in plain sight.

What looked like a healthy relationship has now potentially become an unhealthy relationship.

Hey - don't be too hard on yourself. We are ALL guilty of that one. If you want a FREE 15 minute consultation to see how we can work together to help you improve your unhealthy relationship, or leave… Click the button below!

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8 Unhealthy Relationship Signs

And so it is here that we find ourselves – being in a relationship that starts to take on a direction into 'unhealthy land.' Maybe you feel the relationship is starting to suck the energy out of you. You feel less enthused. Drained. You question it. You start to notice other unhealthy relationship signs.

You begin to question your judgment. Yet, not attending to these relationship red flags can result in wasting your time and emotional energy and keeping you stuck in a not-so-great relationship. Here are eight signs of an unhealthy relationship that may encourage you to run for the hills and take a hard look at your connection.

1. They lack empathy.

This is a huge deal in relationships - work or personal. If your partner is someone who is consistently unable to see or hear your point of view and cannot focus their attention on anyone besides themselves. They are unable to put themselves in your shoes and are not interested in taking the time to understand why you might feel the way you do.

They are unable to see or agree with even 5-10% of what you are saying or how you feel about something.

Their inability to be empathic is a huge sign of an unhealthy relationship partner. If they cannot empathize with you on the small stuff, what happens when the big stuff rolls around.

For example, when you speak, they are not listening to what you have to say but rather waiting for an opening so they can talk. They are defensive.

This often results in one sided conversations that undermine the trust and healthy communication that relationships are supposed to have. Lack of empathy equals big trouble.

2. You don't feel safe sharing.

You must feel safe in your relationship and feel safe expressing your feelings regardless of the topic. The goal here is to create a couples bubble that allows each person to freely express how they feel and what they are thinking about.

Although some topics are more challenging to discuss than others, it is still imperative that a psychologically and emotionally safe space is created.

Without safety, it will become impossible to share what is bothering you. You might walk around on eggshells, hesitant to share your feelings. This will only get worse especially if they are unwilling or not interested in figuring out how to create that safe space that is a fundamental requirement of all relationships. Not expressing how you feel only creates more resentment in the relationship.

If you do not feel safe and don't feel you can talk about anything or your partner is unwilling to make changes or at least discuss creating this type of space, you should seriously reconsider the relationship.

3. They are overly critical.

We are not perfect human beings. We can be critical towards the one we love. We have to accept that in relationships we can sometimes say or do something that is hurtful.

But, I am not speaking of the rare instances of being critical. We all make mistakes. We disappoint the ones we care for the most. No, I am speaking of the ongoing and chronic criticisms that undermine anything good in the relationship.

According to John Gottman, criticism is one of the four horsemen and they are dangerous to the relationship when prevalent and not remedied. It is a relationship killer and a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Because no matter what you do, it’s just not good enough. And when you are with someone who is always critical, you will always feel this way.

No getting out of that black hole. “Yes, thanks for doing the dishes, but you washed these wrong.” That’s just a backhanded compliment that hurts the other person. They begin to feel they can do nothing right. “Thanks for going to the store, but you forgot a few things. Didn't you bring the list?”

This is criticism at its heart.

4. They avoid conflict and resolutions.

Most people don't like confrontation. However, there is a difference between being confrontative and being assertive. You can be assertive by using your voice and expressing how you feel without being aggressive. Someone who is confrontative is more inclined to ‘be more aggressive about their tone.’

Someone who is more avoidant in their communication style will be less inclined to want to have conversations that can bring about resolution. They might stonewall (silent treatment) or turn away from conversations because they are afraid to have the conversations.

But, how will you resolve conflicts if one is not interested in resolutions and, at the very least, communicating about an issue? Ongoing avoidance will lead you to the road to nowhere and will continually result in circular arguments that become dead ends.

There is very little, if any, effective communication and conversations. Stonewalling (the silent treatment – the worst and another of the Four Horsemen), ignoring you, or pretending problems don't exist are all part of this equation.

If a person is unable or unwilling to look at their communication or conflict style and make changes, you will be forever stuck in circular conversations without resolutions. Because their resolution is to avoid resolution. They continue to run instead of standing still and learning how to effectively communicate.

5. They are stubborn.

Someone who is stubborn in their thinking and not flexible equals little room for compromise. Think, my way or the highway. Sure, we all can be a little stubborn at times and want things to go our way. I am not talking about those times. If they are so stubborn, how will you negotiate your differences? The short answer? You won't. This will only leave you feeling frustrated and stuck and like you have settled in your relationship. And who wants to feel that way in a relationship?

These types of people are hard to be in a relationship with. Period. Being stubborn drives people crazy. They are only interested in their own self interests and don't consider another perspective. How do you grow as a couple and build a stronger relationship when one is stubborn and uncompromising? You cannot.

6. They are Debbie or Donnie Downer.

Sure, it’s normal to have a day off and not be in a good mood. I get it. We all have those days. But if your partner is always in a bad mood and sees the ‘cup of life' as always half full or empty, it may be time to take a second look at your relationship. Or they could be depressed and possibly need to see someone to help them.

But what if they don't want help? Some people like the misery that comes along with having a bad attitude. It’s a life suck, honestly. When all they see are obstacles and challenges - and not opportunities, this will wear on the relationship. It really does.

You feel like you always have to be the cheerleader, the one that is building up your partner. This is exhausting! If they only see problems and issues in the world and your relationship, this will negatively impact the relationship and it will be very difficult to stay in it long term.

7. They don’t allow you to be your own person.

Over time, we all change and grow. That's life. So why wouldn't we want to change, explore new options, jobs, friends? This means we are curious about life.

But, what if you want to do your own thing with friends and have outside interests in the relationship? Are they supportive or do they feel threatened and become emotionally needy? Figure this out and pay attention.

It is not about living a single life inside of a relationship, but continuing to have a strong sense of self, a good measure of independence, and maintaining your own personhood. This is key.

You should feel that you can explore different interests or opportunities in life without being shut down or unsupported. A person like this doesn’t see life, individuality, and relationships the same way.

8. You feel like you do all the 'heavy lifting.'

Doing all the heavy lifting means you feel like you are carrying the weight of the relationship - doing things to improve the relationship, working on the issues, thinking ahead, and thinking not just of yourself, but of the relationship. Thinking both small and big picture. That's ok once in a while because life happens.

However, if YOU are by and large the one making the decisions, instigating conversations, and trying to improve the relationship eventually over time, you will feel drained instead of energized and in a good mood It’s exhausting!

This is a clear sign of an unhealthy relationship. Both people should be participating in the relationship and giving their 100% (not 50%).

Final Thoughts.

Do YOU identify with any of these signs of a negative relationship?

If so, it's time to give yourself some 'time ', take a step back (big step), and evaluate this relationship for what it is and more importantly what it isn't. And don't settle.

I provide a free 15-minute consultation to see how we can work together to create a healthier relationship or get out of the one you are in. Just hit the button below to get started!