How To Fix a Relationship With Bad Communication

Most people are not taught healthy communication skills as children. We learn how to communicate in relationships not only from our first family (often referred to as our family of origin) but in relationships we have with other people in our lives.

However, despite not knowing exactly how to communicate in the best ways, here are ways to fix a relationship with bad communication and get back on track.

Although a lot couples find it challenging to overcome and end up more frustrated, exhausted, and feeling hopeless, it’s important they find ways to communicate better, even if this means experiencing many ‘fits and starts’ and ongoing arguments.

How many of these statements can you answer ‘yes’ to?

• We have circular conversations that go nowhere and lead to frustration and no resolution.

• One or both of us has a tendency to lash out at one another.

• We find it difficult to listen to each other without interrupting.

• Sometimes one of us - or both - check out of the conversation out of frustration.

• Many of our simple discussions start off peacefully but turn into something bigger and become arguments.

• We have tried different ways to communicate but nothing works.

• We have developed an unhealthy pattern of relating to one another.

• We don’t know how to start a conversation without one of us becoming defensive.

• We feel very frustrated and stuck.

A Relationship Without Healthy Communication is Like a Bad Dance

Sometimes two people dance very well and have very few missteps. Together, they communicate in such a way that even if they argue and disagree they are still able to get back on track in effective and healthy ways.

By and large, they respond to bids for attention by the other person, can express their thoughts and feelings, have learned to hear and listen with intention, and show up.  

While others, no matter how hard they try, feel like they are dancing with two left feet. They have little to no communication in their relationship. These people find themselves in circular conversations repeating the same things over and over again, experiencing unresolved conflict.

For example, every time there is a conflict or a disagreement, they each play out their role, with increased frustration. They find themselves stuck in a rut. This can result in no communication in the relationship and is often toxic.

One partner who is seeking security as a way to ease their anxiety reaches for the other in their attempt to want more contact. Their partner may feel overwhelmed by this and actually does the opposite of what the other needs – they create space and withdraw to relieve their anxiety. 

But many people struggle with using healthy communication. Poor communication patterns are often created due to both people’s ineffective, unhealthy, and limited communication skills. These negative patterns are reinforced due to difficulty understanding, identifying, owning, and expressing their own thoughts and feelings.

These patterns are reinforced through continual interactions so over time couples create a 'dance', that is challenging to break. These patterns are also reinforced with a sibling, friend, parent, or co-worker.

Many people, especially couples, find it difficult to change the pattern they have created.

This the dance they have created.

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Circular Conversations - The distancer and the pursuer.

Many couples find themselves having circular conversations that end in arguments. These conversations go nowhere where both people keep saying the same things over and over but expecting things to be different.

Men typically have a tendency to withdraw - and are often the distancer - and women are hardwired to pursue. They want to distance themselves so they can feel less emotionally overwhelmed and flooded, and retreat.

They might want to run for the hills or create space and distance. They may want to avoid conflict. They may also need space and time to cool off so they can focus and process.

Although this is a basic gender difference, this is not in every case.

Women usually tend to be the pursuer – they want to engage in communication and talk things out. Sometimes they will do this until their needs are met. They want to connect now and figure it out now. They often become increasingly critical. They don’t feel as emotionally overwhelmed.

8 Ways to Improve Communication in Your Relationship.

1. Ask questions that create deeper conversations.

Asking open ended questions creates a deeper conversations. Instead of asking ‘Did you have a good day, ask, How was your day? What stood out during the day? Is there anything that continues to come up for you or us that we can talk about at it a good time?

This means honoring how each person feels even if you disagree. This allows each person to feel ‘safe’ and that they can share how they feel.

This also includes:

• Start with a soft startup. Asking ‘Is this a good time to talk and if not, when?” This allows both people to be on equal footing and can start the conversation with both people feeling emotionally available and more level headed.

• Make a plan to take a timeout. When both people are flooded with emotions, the brain is literally on overdrive. By taking a timeout – say 30 minutes or so – couples can decrease their anxiety and start to talk about the issue at hand again. Then, make a plan to return to the conversation.

2. Know your communication style.

Beyond being the one that pursues or distances themselves, how else would you define your style?

• Passive/aggressive: indirectly aggressive, sarcastic, devious, unreliable, and bad at communicating in relationships.

• Aggressive: their needs are most important, overreacts, demanding, abrasive, belligerent, frightening, loud, hostile.

• Submissive: difficulty taking responsibility or making decisions, yields to others, unexpressive, feels like a victim, blames others.

• Assertive: are socially and emotionally expressive. They make their own choices and take responsibility for them - good or bad.

• Manipulative: cunning, calculating, controls others, asks indirectly for needs to be met, makes others feel sorry for them.

Questions to consider to help you understand your style and garnering insight can lead to change:

• How did your first family communicate with one another?

• How have these patterns been duplicated in personal relationships?

3. Learn to recognize negative or bad communication patterns.

Communication patterns are reinforced over time, much like the dance that both people do. Ask, do you have certain trigger words or behaviors? Patterns are formed and reinforced over time with each person participating.

Many of the patterns are the result of how each person communicates and the triggers that come up. Patterns are also reinforced how each person responds to what is being said. Think about how these patterns were established and what your contribution is to them and the changes you want to make.

4. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. It never works.

If you are the type of person that holds things in expecting your partner to read your mind or wanting your partner to read your mind, good luck. This never works. It’s futile. And you lose a lot of time wondering. Don’t wonder.

It’s important for you to find a way to share with your partner what you are thinking. This also includes sharing with them what you need in the relationship. This goes both ways.

Do your best to open up and share your thoughts and feelings. Share with them to the best of your ability using healthy tone and inflection and not blaming.

5. Use an alternative mode of communication.

Sometimes face to face conversations is not the right direction and feel limiting. And sometimes texting does help improve the communication by providing small wins. For example, texting shouldn’t be used for serious or in-depth conversations or when you have been drinking but they do provide moments of lightness.

Maybe a funny meme that you both can relate to that adds some levity.

Some people do better at email (which gives them the time to share feelings). Use this as a springboard to deeper conversations. Some couples start a journal together as they learn how to communicate in more effective and healthy ways.

6. Have a ‘we’ attitude.

Nothing creates greater intimacy and a stronger relationship than when both people feel like a strong couple and are on board together. They have a ‘we’ attitude.

When they need to express how they are feeling, it’s in the format of ‘we.’ For example, “I wish we could do this better” or “I want us to figure out how to change and resolve this conflict.” Pointing fingers, blaming, and using the word ‘you’ will keep you stuck.

It also creates a lot of resentment and can lead to no communication in a relationship.

Both recognize that change is not perfect and you may have many ‘fits and starts’ and that’s ok – but if you both feel you are in this together and want to find a way out of the unhealthy ‘dance’ you have created, this is a great way to start.  

7. Manage your own emotions.

In times of stress, we are flooded with emotions. That’s a given. However, learning how to manage your emotions so that you can show up, will help create the conversation you want to have with your partner. Learn to recognize your triggers as a way to manage your emotions. It’s not your partner/spouse’s job to manage your emotions or change just so you don’t have to.

8. Choose one topic at a time.

Nothing says let’s fight more than bringing up all the issues that you feel are still unresolved. Couples often use this time to unload and unleash on their partner all of their slight, disappointments, and frustrations. This is never a good idea.

In the heat of the moment, they throw in the kitchen sink. All the past hurts, issues that haven’t been discussed (or maybe they have but hey why not?), stuff on your mind. You get the picture. Terrible idea. But people do it.

What’s better? Setting aside the time to discuss one thing at a time - that is agreed upon by both. This helps each person stay on task and accountable to themselves and one another. Eventually, you will both get to a better place – one in which you can stay in the conversation, recognize your triggers, and make a plan to stay connected. (Yes, this can happen!)

By doing that, you will ultimately create a stronger relationship, one that you both believe will stand against the test of time, with both people feeling better about how they communicate with one another.

Check out my free Relationship Communication eBook for more tips!

Final Thoughts.

Despite the negative patterns and poor communication that both of you have established, there are ways to fix your relationship communication and get back on track.

This begins with having a plan to make small yet sustainable changes. By coming up with a plan, there is less of a chance that things can start to unravel, making both people feel frustrated, exhausted, and lost. The best time to discuss your plan is during moments of calmness when you are more emotionally stable and level-headed.

The goal is to create a different and healthier communication process with more effective skills and strategies that can last a lifetime and ones that allow each of you the opportunity to grow and change how you communicate with one another.

Interested In Working Together? Let’s Chat!

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