How I Left My Abusive Marriage and Found Myself

We all experience ups and downs, twists and turns. Sometimes it’s challenging to figure out exactly where our life is headed. We make decisions that are great and followed by ones that are not so great. In what seems like a lifetime ago, I was in an abusive marriage.

I ignored many of the red flags. It started out with emotional and verbal abuse, but escalated to physical abuse. Eventually though I left only to discover the myself in ways that are lasting.

My story. Because we all have one.

Despite helping people learn to share their story, it took me several years post divorce, to get the courage to write about and share mine. When I reflect on my life and why it took me so long, I think I just felt embarrassed. Maybe even shame when I think long and hard about it.

When I process why I had those feelings it is because people see me as I am now - a stronger and more assertive person. A relationship therapist. How could I end up in an abusive relationship?

What I have learned over time that my ex-husband was a classic sociopath. And sociopaths are always drawn to women that will put them first and forsake their needs. Women, like myself, will continue to work on the relationship hoping for better days because there are better days and positive interactions. It kept me stuck.

I also learned that I experienced a trauma bond, which is very difficult to overcome.

Marriage # 1

When I was 28 years old, I married for the first time. We met at a restaurant where I worked. He was from out of town. We connected and had a long-distance relationship for about a year. We eventually bought a home in Easton, Pennsylvania and soon thereafter, we married.

I do recall having doubts about getting married to him but I come from a small town in Upstate New York and felt embarrassed to call off the wedding- because that’s not what nice girls do. We got married. It wasn’t all bad.

There were good moments. But over time, the emotional and verbal abuse became intolerable. I started to realize how unhappy I was. We did try marriage counseling for a bit of time, but that didn’t work.

Upon reflection, it was probably because I had already checked out.

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We are the sum of our decisions - good, bad, and indifferent.

About 14 months later, I found myself in an attorney’s office. From there, I moved to Hershey, Pennsylvania. He stayed in the home that we had purchased. I still wasn’t in the place to do the hard work and figure out how I landed there. I would go on to have a few more relationships.

What I DID do was have another unhealthy relationship. I then found myself in a relationship that by all standards pales in comparison with my first marriage. All in the span of about ten years.

Yep. Still learning. Knock me over with a 2X4.

Marriage # 2.

My second husband was and remains to this day, a horrendous and toxic person. But, I digress.

My second husband and I dated for a couple of years before getting engaged. We were married in Las Vegas. Certainly not my first choice but I can honestly say that once we got there, I felt trapped and knew I couldn’t leave. You might ask, why couldn’t you just leave? Get on the next plane out of Vegas?

Good questions. Answer: Fear of retaliation.

This was because I was in a physically abusive relationship and as a victim of abuse. You cannot just simply leave. If I could have, I would have. But then I would’ve known what was waiting for me back home. And there I was getting married to him.

I remember the first time being pushed down in a parking lot. I should have left then and so many more times as the abuse continued to escalate, but I didn’t. Even typing this brings back vivid memories.

You must realize that abusers are sometimes nice. They play with your feelings. They make you feel like you are going crazy. I experienced my share of gaslighting. They blame you but then apologize and are good for a while. There was a time where months went by, and he was very nice and there was no abuse. So, the whole situation really fucks with you on so many levels.

Upon reflection, my self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence was just low. And the longer I stayed in the marriage, the more he continued to chisel away at who I was as a person.

The irony was that I felt confident in my work. I had also just started my doctoral program - and boy was he jealous! But these mixed feelings of confidence is very common.

I will never forget a time that he was interested in reading my work and I gave him a paper I had written. But he didn’t know the meaning behind one of the words I had written. What does he do? Yep. Throws the paper at me with a few expletives. I can laugh at that now and have done as I have thought about that incident.

My turning point. How I left.

I became organized. After about 14 months, I finally got the courage to leave him. I organized my money, got all my schoolwork saved on my computer, put it all in a safe place, and came up with an exit plan. I didn’t have an exact date, but I knew the time was near. One evening he came home drunk - again. And that my friends, was my pivot. This decision was coupled with discovering he was having an affair (again).

I reached out for support. The next morning - Tuesday, I packed up my shit right after he left for work. My mother was my reinforcement through her constant calls and unbridled encouragement by my mother. She got me out that door. I hit the road in my Jeep. I stayed with friends for a few months as I led a clandestine and somewhat vagabond life as I figured out my next steps.

He didn’t know where I was living during this time. I moved into my own apartment and eventually purchased my own home and continued to immerse myself in my studies (my life-saving decision), friends and family, and working on my home.

The emotional roller coaster. The days and weeks that followed were somewhat of a fog. I struggled with the effects of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t a clean break. Breaking free from an abusive husband is rarely, if ever clean. I had my setbacks, I must admit. I maintained some communication with him early as he attempted to convince me to stay, promising ‘lots of changes’ — despite being in the throes of an affair.

But I never returned to him.

“The only way around is through.” ~ Robert Frost

Doing the work: what I learned from two divorces

As I share my story, I realize it’s been fifteen years. Those fifteen years have been filled with ups and downs, but honestly mostly ups.

I do vividly recall that throughout this process, finding myself and figuring out how I landed myself in two terrible marriages became my shear focus. I was determined to not live the next 43 years the same way as the previous 43 years.

The months were challenging, but they offered insight into my life that I hadn’t had before. Maybe that was the lens I needed so I could see my life differently. In hindsight, there were.

I did a relationship inventory. I had to take inventory of my two hellacious marriages (especially that 2nd one) meant having to reconcile in some fashion not only how my relationship with my father affected my decisions, but somewhere along the road my self-esteem took a nosedive and I got derailed.

Because not all of my relationships prior to my marriages were that bad. Some were actually good.

But the one thing I learned throughout the process is that conflicted people live conflicted lives. And people who struggle with their sense of worth find themselves in situations that often only further diminish their self-worth. They don’t always make great choices. And if I didn’t know who I was, then I wouldn’t be able to know what I wanted.

I took responsibility for my actions. In the beginning stages and throughout my personal journey, I had to put myself in a place of taking responsibility for my life. I had to take stock of all the decisions I had made up until that point. No, it does no way excuse any type of abusive behavior on their part. I want to be clear about that.

But I also knew that to garner strength and be fair to myself, I had to acknowledge that not all of my decisions were bad, just a few key ones.

When I was able to start doing that more and being less self-critical less, I recognized I had an opportunity to really dig in and figure out who I was, what I wanted, and how I was going to live my life differently.

I was also receptive to making changes. I recognized in many fundamental ways that constant change is what allows each of us to continue and grow in profound ways. And I wanted a piece of that.

And most importantly, I refused, simply refused to let anything or anyone, prevent me from staying on track and finishing my education. On time. No way. I wasn’t giving in that easily.

Because without a doubt, I had to live my life differently.

I got professional help. I started working with a therapist that provided me a safe space to talk about things and let me guard down. I was also helping others change their life which also helped me. I also had the support of a couple of mentors that were instrumental in my life. place. I learned to allow other people help me — which is something that was unlike me.

I focused on work and school. My education gave me purpose and structure. I had commitments, goals, and obligations. Time doesn’t stop just because I was struggling. No way. But the irony is that time actually allowed me to take a step back, hit the pause button, connect the dots, and reevaluate my life.

Marriage #3.

I have been happily married for eight years. We have been together for ten. We continue to grow and evolve, together.

Ultimately, as I grew to understand myself in more significant ways, I learned to help other people in the same way. That’s a great feeling and continues to be.

Final Thoughts.

Everyone’ story. This is just mine with a happy ending.

Although it took me a long time to share my story with people beyond my family and friends, I did because I recognized that at pivotal times, sharing my story in a healthy way could most likely help other people.

If people saw me as someone who could help empower them to make changes and live a more authentic and intentional life, despite life’s challenges and setbacks, then I wanted to be a part of their process too.

But truth be told, initially it wasn’t all that easy to share my history. I don’t know. Maybe I felt they would judge me, or was it really because I judged myself? Probably the latter.

The process from living a life that for the most part I no longer wanted, or anyone wants for that matter, can be a long and often painful one. But, for me, it’s one that I knew I had to endure.

So, I did.

Being on my own and alone for a significant period created perseverance, grit, and simply wanting more for my life and demanding more from myself, which got me from where I was to where I wanted to be.

Learning to slow down so I could make better choices for myself prevented me from repeating unhealthy relationship patterns. And embracing that yes, at the end of the day, we are all responsible for our lives and that no one can do that for us, is pivotal for optimal growth and happiness, isn’t it?

Despite setbacks in life, there often is a silver lining to embrace. Sometimes it’s just not in front of us or when we would like it to be. But I have learned both personally and professionally, that silver linings exist in many negative experiences, should we choose to actually see and embrace them.

Pain and suffering is how we learn to live and grow. Failure makes our successes all the sweeter.

But one thing we know is that we all experience pain in some form or another and that pain is universal - even if in the moment we feel like we are the only one.

If we want to be our best selves and bring our best selves not just to other people, but to our life, then take the time needed to decide what you want out of your life.

And equally important, what you don’t.

Quite simply, if you want a different life, create a different life. One tiny step at a time.

Why do I share my story all these years later? I like to believe that my personal experiences and my two shitty marriages have provided me a lens through which I can help other people because I have felt their pain. I feel equipped to lean into uncomfortable emotions because I too have felt uncomfortable.

But I have also learned how to feel more comfortable with my life’s decisions and am no longer so hard on myself. That is so critical to personal growth. For everyone. I have also experienced the joy on the other side. Buying my first home - alone. Learning how to use a lawnmower. Figuring out many things because I had to figure them out.

And so, I did.

And therein lies my silver lining.

Would my life be different if I had got help earlier in my life? Who knows? All we have is today and the choices we have made to get us to where we are today.

We are the sum of all our decisions - good, bad, and indifferent. So carry on. .

Thanks for reading my story~ Dr. D

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Looking to live more intentionally? Check out my new interactive workbook here!

Embark on a transformative journey with our workbook featuring 40 thought-provoking questions designed to guide you toward a more intentional and purposeful life. Explore your values, clarify your goals, and cultivate greater self-awareness through engaging exercises that empower you to make mindful choices and create a life aligned with your deepest aspirations.