Tips for Handling Toxic Relatives During the Holidays
The holiday season, often idealized as a time of warmth and togetherness, can be incredibly challenging when you're surrounded by toxic family members. The pressure to maintain harmony, relive traditions, and meet expectations can bring unresolved conflicts, past hurts, and unhealthy dynamics to the surface.
Toxic behaviors—like passive-aggression, manipulation, criticism, boundary-pushing, gaslighting, or emotional manipulation—can feel magnified and more intense in the festive atmosphere, making it hard for you to relax, enjoy yourself, and protect your peace. And, no doubt, if you have experienced these encounters in the past, you understand.
These encounters leave you feeling torn between the desire for connection and the need to protect your mental well-being, creating an emotional minefield that's difficult to navigate.
Understanding why these interactions are so difficult is the first step toward creating a more balanced and manageable holiday experience.
The other part of navigating the landmines of toxic family members is for you to take actionable steps that protect your emotional and mental well-being - even if this means setting boundaries that your family doesn’t want you to set or doing something that isn’t always embraced by others.
As I say…You do you.
Examples of toxic people:
The holidays can bring out a range of behaviors, and some people’s toxic tendencies become more apparent in the stress or heightened emotions of the season. How many can you relate to?
1.The Passive-Aggressive Commenter
They deliver thinly veiled jabs disguised as jokes or backhanded compliments, often under the guise of being "helpful" or "funny."
Example Behavior: Saying, "Oh, you’re bringing store-bought dessert? I guess not everyone has time to bake like I do."
Response: Ignore their question and respond with, “I look forward to trying your dessert.”
Impact: They create tension and undermine others while avoiding direct confrontation.
2.The Overbearing Controller
They insist on micromanaging every aspect of the holiday, from the menu to the schedule, and become angry or upset if things don’t go exactly their way.
Example Behavior: They criticize your holiday contribution (or someone else’s) or rearrange the decorations without asking.
Response: Ignore them. This says a lot about them and next to nothing about you. Move on.
Impact: They leave you feeling disempowered and stressed, as their need for control overshadows the joy of the season.
3.The Drama Magnet
They thrive on conflict and will find or create a reason for arguments, even during festive gatherings. They may stir up old grievances, gossip, or play the victim to gain attention.
Example Behavior: They rehash a long-forgotten family disagreement or make a scene over a perceived slight.
Response: Let them. Don’t engage in the conversation. If you can leave the conversation, leave or go somewhere else. Manage your energy.
Impact: They drain the positive energy from the gathering, often leaving others feeling frustrated or emotionally exhausted.
4.The Self-Centered Guest
They make the holiday all about themselves, showing little regard for others' needs or the collective spirit. They may seek constant attention, monopolize conversations, or refuse to contribute to the event.
Example Behavior: They dominate the discussion to talk about their latest achievements or complaining loudly about the event’s setup without offering to help.
Response: Let them and then excuse yourself if you can and go somewhere else.
Impact: Their self-focus can alienate others and detract from the communal nature of the holiday.
5. The Criticizer
They find fault with everything, from the food to the decorations, and doesn’t hesitate to voice their disapproval, often under the guise of being "honest" or "helpful."
Example Behavior: Complaining that the turkey is too dry, the music is too loud, or the seating arrangement isn’t ideal.
Response: Acknowledge their comment without internalizing it, and redirect the focus to something positive: "Thanks for your input, but I’m glad we’re all together—let’s enjoy the evening."
Impact: Their negativity can dampen the festive atmosphere, leaving hosts and guests feeling deflated or unappreciated.
6. The Boundary-Pusher
This disregards others’ boundaries and expectations, often imposing their own agenda or behaving inappropriately despite being asked not to.
Example Behavior: Showing up uninvited with extra guests, prying into sensitive topics like politics or personal matters, or overstaying their welcome.
Response: Clearly and calmly restate your boundaries: "I appreciate your enthusiasm, but we agreed to keep things small this year. Thanks for understanding.
Impact: They create discomfort or stress by ignoring the preferences and boundaries of others, making the gathering feel less safe or enjoyable.
16 Tips to Help You Manage Toxic Family Members
Stay Calm and Composed
Regardless of the type of toxic person you find yourself around, their behaviors are no doubt frustrating, BUT reacting emotionally often escalates the situation. Instead, remain calm, composed, and non-reactive, which can diffuse tension and show that their behavior isn’t affecting you. Use your energy towards self and don’t give it away.
Avoid Engaging in Their Games
Instead of taking the bait on what they are saying, respond with neutrality or humor. For example, if they make a veiled criticism, ask for clarification calmly: "What did you mean by that?" This often forces them to confront their own behavior. If they are seeking to monopolize the conversation or are critical of someone or something, respond with distance. No need to over explain.
Set Clear Boundaries
Decide ahead of time what behaviors you will and won’t tolerate. Communicate your boundaries clearly and stick to them, even if others push back. Politely but firmly let them know what’s acceptable: "I’d appreciate it if we could keep this conversation positive—it’s the holidays, and I’d like us to enjoy the time together."
Don’t Take It Personally
Toxic behavior usually stems from the other person’s unresolved feelings or insecurities, not something you’ve done. Keeping this in mind can help you detach emotionally and not internalize their behavior.
Redirect the Conversation
If their comments or actions start to derail the atmosphere, redirect the focus to a neutral or positive topic. For example:"That’s interesting—on another note, have you tried the dessert? It’s amazing!"
Use “I” Statements to Address Issues
If the behavior becomes persistent or hurtful, you can address it directly but tactfully:"I feel uncomfortable when comments like that are made. Let’s try to keep things lighthearted—it’s the holidays." Framing it as your feeling rather than an accusation can make them less defensive.
By being direct yet calm, you communicate what behavior is unacceptable and the action you’ll take if the boundary is crossed. This approach sets expectations while showing that you're committed to maintaining a positive atmosphere for yourself
Limit One-on-One Interactions
If you know the person tends to act out more when you’re alone with them, try to stay in group settings where their behavior might be moderated by others’ presence.
Limit Your Time Together
If spending extended time with toxic family members feels overwhelming, plan shorter visits or find ways to take breaks, like stepping outside or running an errand.
Manage Your Expectations
Accept that certain family members may not change, and adjust your expectations accordingly. This can help reduce your frustration and resentment.
Have a Support System
If someone else at the gathering understands the dynamics, lean on them for support. They can help steer conversations or create a buffer when things get tense.
Share your concerns with a trusted friend or partner who can provide encouragement and perspective. If possible, bring them along to help you feel grounded
Focus on Your Own Enjoyment
Don’t let their behavior overshadow your holiday experience. Focus on the people and activities that bring you joy. Stepping away for a breather, even briefly, can help you stay centered.
Practice Self-Care
Prioritize your well-being by scheduling time for rest, exercise, and activities that help you recharge. Take moments to breathe and check in with yourself during gatherings. If you feel overwhelmed, use grounding exercises like deep breathing, counting objects around you, or focusing on your senses to regain calm and control.
Plan an Exit Strategy
If their behavior becomes too much to handle, it’s okay to step away politely. Excuse yourself to help in the kitchen, take a walk, or call it a night early if needed. Prioritize your mental health and well-being.
Manage Your Expectations
Accept that certain family members may not change and adjust your expectations accordingly. This can help reduce frustration and disappointment.
Focus on What You Can Control
Remember, you can’t control other people’s behavior, but you can control how you respond. Stay calm, assertive, and aligned with your values to maintain your peace.
Stick to Neutral Topics
Steer conversations toward safe, lighthearted subjects to avoid triggering unnecessary conflicts. If someone brings up a sensitive topic, redirect politely. "I want to enjoy our time together this holiday season, but I need us to keep the conversation respectful. If the comments become critical or hurtful, I’ll need to step away from the conversation or take a break."
Final Thoughts
Dealing with toxic people during the holidays can be challenging, but it’s important to remember that your well-being and peace are just as valuable as the joy of the season. By setting boundaries, focusing on positive interactions, and managing your reactions, you can minimize the impact of difficult individuals and protect the festive atmosphere.
Remember, you don’t have to engage in drama or negativity—you have the power to choose how you respond and where you direct your energy. Prioritize the connections and moments that bring you happiness, and let those be the highlight of your holiday experience.
My most important message is plan ahead, be proactive, decide how you want to set boundaries around your time and whom you spend time with, engage in self-care, and recognize that only you can decide how you want to use your energy. So, spend wisely!
Again, you do you.
