Learn How To Embrace And Grow After Infidelity
It isn’t always easy, but most couples often survive and thrive after infidelity.
Even though it may feel like a mountain to overcome infidelity, there are ways that you and your partner or spouse can learn how to embrace and grow after infidelity.
When couples start therapy after an affair, the first question they ask is, ‘Can our marriage be saved?’ I answer, well that just depends on how committed both of you are to working through the trauma, unpacking the issues, and having often uncomfortable and painful conversations.
Although the numbers vary, cheating and infidelity continue to top the list of why couples decide to part ways. And although people may consider infidelity different, if it feels like cheating, then it is.
According to Cathy Meyer, “the bottom line is, if it feels like cheating, infidelity, or adultery to you, then it is. Infidelity and cheating in any type of romantic relationship are betrayals of the expectations one has of their partner.”
Despite the inherent ups and downs and the emotional turmoil that makes you feel like you are in the spin cycle of your life, many couples find there just might be a silver lining despite infidelity. Where once infidelity was a deal breaker, that’s not necessarily the case as much.
How to Move Forward After Infidelity in a Relationship
Many couples use this point in their marriage as a pivot, a game changer, an opportunity to address many of the underlying issues that have been plaguing them for a long time. They look at it as a way to ‘reboot’, take a step back, look at their relationship with a different lens and set of eyes, and cultivate a deeper and more sustainable relationship.
But to do that, they must be willing to say goodbye to the first marriage and create a new one.
To a large degree, they recognize on a rational level that it will be an uphill battle. Maybe they have missed the signs or just ignored them. Maybe resentment has built up over time. And as they continue to go through the process, they experience an emotional roller coaster and often feel significantly unprepared.
They move ahead in spite of their negative and overwhelming feelings and reservations. They remain cautiously optimistic. It takes commitment, honesty, healthy and uncomfortable communication, and above all else, a killer mindset of ‘we are in this together.’
Because on any given moment, the shit gets real. Fast. Because you second guess your decision to stay and work through it.
Yet, there is a time when couples can pivot. Many couples use this moment in time to come together, figure out what is not working in their relationship, and make changes. Infidelity also presents the catalyst for these changes to occur. Each couple is different.
So, if this is you, strap your seatbelt on because it is going to be a bumpy and long ride. Yet it will be one that despite the pain, can bring joy, relief, and a fresh start.
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8 Steps To Recover From Infidelity
1. Admit your wrongdoing and show remorse.
Own it. Take responsibility for your actions. Don’t blame your partner. Showing remorse is critical as a first step. Remorse is critical to rebuilding of the relationship. Being able to honestly show remorse for your behaviors AND empathy for how your partner is experiencing this traumatic time in their life.
Despite both people contributing to problems within the marriage, having an affair is a unilateral decision. So, don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.
2. Rebuild trust after infidelity.
Rebuilding trust is a lengthy process that can be accomplished through patience, accountability, and honest communication. It’s the strongest foundational piece of a relationship.
Without trust, what do you have?
It also has a lot of fits and starts. Being able to rebuild the trust that was lost is key to creating a strong foundation and one that is also built on honesty. Being honest as to why the affair happened and owning your truth, can create the path to healing.
And the person who cheated has to be able to face themselves and share with their partner why they cheated and not cast blame on them. This just undermines a person’s ability to show up in an authentic way and makes the other person feel like they are to blame.
And most importantly, it just makes the person who cheated that much more less empathetic and looking like they are still unable to take responsibility for their actions.
The partner feels yet again - traumatized, recognizing that they cannot rely on their partner to be honest and speak their truth. Until the person who cheated is able to do that, you will remain stuck.
3. Become transparent.
How will YOU create more transparency to make sure your partner/spouse is the most important person in your life? As the hurt party, does it feel like your partner is more present and transparent? Are they answering your questions? Are they open and honest about where they are going and with whom? Do they show you transparency by giving you their phone and letting you know that transparency is key to rebuilding trust and honesty?
Demonstrating transparency and recognizing that this is all about being honest and forthcoming about your feelings — the good and the bad — is what sets people apart from those who recover and those who often continue to struggle in the marriage.
This is because at the root of transparency, is trust. And trust is the foundation of a strong relationship. Don’t wait for your spouse/partner to ask you to be more transparent, offer it. Tell him or her how you will be more transparent, and then honor your word and do it.
Don’t wait for your partner to ask this of you, take the initiative. Can you imagine how it must feel for your partner to have to ask you to be more transparent? Why is this his or her responsibility?
4. Expect the roller coaster.
No two days will be the same, at least in the beginning. Hell, no two moments will be the same. From minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day, people’s emotions are all over the place.
Especially the hurt party. They are trying to make sense of what has happened. Many times, the hurt person has been blindsided by the affair.
They are trying to work on salvaging the marriage yet must work through, sit with, and process the mixture of emotions they feel on any given day. Yes, it is a roller coaster ride.
Expect this. Don’t run away from it, run towards it. It’s the best (though not the easiest) way to get on the other side of it.
5. Set appropriate and achievable goals.
These need to be both tangible and intangible. For example, how will you communicate differently in your relationship/marriage? How would you like your relationship/marriage to look? What tangible changes are you going to make and then how will you ensure that you will follow through?
These are the tangible things that the hurt party wants to be able to tangibly see so he/she knows you are really serious about making changes. The intangible things are more about how you feel. Do you feel differently? Does it feel as if things are changing? All of these factors are important in recovery.
6. Hold each other accountable to change.
You want a different marriage or relationship? Then create it. Change. Start small, build big. Ask yourself, ‘How will you check in with one another? How will you make sure that each person remains committed to the changes they want to make so old patterns don’t creep up again and take over the relationship?’
People often worry that in the short term it can be easier to make changes. Things start to feel good. But, how will you sustain those changes? What if one or both start to fall off the rails and go back to old habits? Who will say what to whom? What’s the plan? You need a plan.
7. Communicate differently.
Many people struggle to communicate in a way that gets their voices heard. But in the beginning, it is all about the connection and feeling attached to your partner. Start slow and learn to talk to one another. Take an honest look at how you communicate.
Do you want it to be different? What will it look like? Ask, what went wrong? How will you create the conversation to encourage more open communication?
How will you manage the sometimes never ending arguments that often go round and round? Is it achievable? When the unexpected comes up (and it will), how will you communicate about it?
8. Accept the bids of affection (when appropriate).
Ok — this is a tough one. Trust me. I am not suggesting you will be able to do this in the beginning, but something to work towards especially as you make progress and learn to overcome infidelity.
Turn towards one another when you can, though don’t force the feelings if they are not there. According to John Gottman, is the importance of the ‘bids’ or turning towards your partner as an opportunity to connect.
They want to connect. I realize working through an affair creates another level of working through intimacy issues, but there will be times when one party will bid for the attention or connection. It could be to talk, just connect, or to let the person know you are there and that you are working through this together.
However, I often hear that the hurt party is often afraid that if he/she embraces these moments, the detrimental effect on them will be lost. Like they are condoning the affair. It will not. These are the small nuances that will help rebuild trust in your relationship or marriage.
It isn’t always easy, but most couples often survive and thrive after infidelity.
A relationship grows and thrives when both people make a commitment to change. That’s key.
If you would like to book a FREE 15-minute consultation to see how we can work together to discuss the infidelity, please click the button below.
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