Is Your Relationship a Trauma Bond?
The trauma bond is an intricate web that intertwines with love, fear, pain. However, you can take the few steps to learn how to break free.
Signs of a Trauma Bond Relationship
There are several signs to look for within a relationship to determine if it is a trauma bond. Some of the signs are within the elements of the relationship and some are within the characteristics of the abuser. Within a relationship, the two biggest signs of a trauma bond are:
Intermittent cycles of abuse followed by hopeful, loving periods of temporary change.
Power imbalances
1. Intermittent Cycles in a Trauma Bond Relationship
The intervals of hope and change are what make this type of bond different from a typical physical or emotional abuse relationship.
It is harder to hate or leave someone that has emotional moments of apologetic, productive conversation and rootless promises of change that only last until the next issue or blow-up which then restarts the abuse cycle. The victim puts up with this because they have moments where their hope is up due to the abuser says all the right things.
They own up to their wrongs, promise to change, give gifts, say sweet and reassuring words, and convince the victim of their love for them and that they just need time and help. This causes the victim to feel as though the abuser needs them. The victim feels things will improve over time.
Even though the reality of the cycle never changes, the hope stays.
2. Power Imbalance in Trauma Bond Relationships
The power imbalance is typically reinforced by the abuser, so the victim feels as though they need the abuser, and that the abuser needs them. The abuser uses tactics involving intimidation, humiliation, degradation, control of situations, emotional abuse, denial, accusations, threats, financial abuse, and restriction of freedoms and rights. The restriction of freedoms and rights is not always as easy to pick up on when it comes to the trauma bond type of abuser.
Some abusers will be forward about their control, and some will use tactics to restrict freedoms. For example, some abusers will make the victim feel guilty for being away too much or leaving them alone too often. They may accuse the victim of ridiculous actions that makes the victim feel as though it would just be easier to only go out with the abuser or not go out at all.
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Getting Out of a Trauma Bond Relationship
The trauma bond I was in had me in a trap that was on-and-off for three years. Each time, I went back because the changes that we agreed needed to happen always seemed to happen, but each time the change usually only lasted for a period of about four months. Even when the power imbalance was eliminated as I found my own personal strength, he knew my weaknesses and how to break down my sanity.
The accusations, the way he made me prove myself even though he had been unfaithful, the way he was codependent and needed someone to take care of him due to his horrible relationship with his parents, the way he made me feel like I was all he had and if something happened to him it would be my fault—it all kept me there doing everything I could to help, support, and fix him.
He would fill me with such hope for the future and the progress that both he and our relationship were making. Yet every time, we would return to the cycle of him screaming, punching holes in the walls, throwing temper tantrums, and driving or stomping away. This was always followed by a make-up conversation that would fill me with optimism that was inevitably always shattered.
Leaving a trauma bond is a very difficult task that will require support. It may also take a few tries to be out of the bond forever, even when out of the relationship, the bond can be very hard to shake and so can the abuser. The victim almost always goes back to the abuser multiple times because of the comfortability of the cycle and because of the hope that the abuser really has changed.
How can you Leave a Trauma Bond Relationship?
There has to come a moment when the victim realizes the cycle they are trapped in is going nowhere and that there is better out there. A victim can rarely be truly brought to this realization until they see it for themselves, otherwise they defend and justify their partner’s actions to those trying to help them.
Once the victim has the realization, this is where the support is needed most because the storm of emotions that will follow such a difficult break-up will almost always have the victim wanting to fix things with the abuser. Especially if the abuser appears to be doing better or changing. Sometimes it even just feels easier to be back in the comfort than go through the difficulty of breaking the bond.
The victim of a trauma bond needs to remember:
The emotions of a trauma bond break-up can cloud your judgment. The victim will only remember the good times and the justifications for the bad times. Remembering the evidence and reality of the situation is imperative.
Some people need to make themselves write down every reason they left their partner or every bad memory that they wouldn’t want to go back to. Some people record a video of themselves with these reminders to watch when they get sad or miss their abuser.
Self-care and Positive Self-talk help. In a trauma bond relationship, the victim has been taught to doubt themselves, feel inferior, or may even have become a shell of their former self. They need to find themselves and their strength again.
They need to write down, record, or habitually repeat positive affirmations of the self and break through the lies that the abuser has told them. Sometimes they may even need to write down these lies they have come to believe, followed by how that lie is wrong. This will help if/when the abuser tries to reappear in the victim’s life.
How to set Boundaries. This is often the hardest step for a victim of a trauma bond to take and stick to. As a victim, you will not truly shake your abuser and their presence in both your mind and life until you block them out. And leave them blocked.
This is so difficult for the victim because the abuser has likely made them feel like they can never fully abandon them, if anything happens to them it’s the victim’s fault, or the victim has gotten so used to clinging to the good times and empty promises that it’s all they can think of once the relationship is over.
It’s the same thought process that keeps them in the cycle that gets them back in it.
The abuser at this point has also learned the victim’s weaknesses, including what it will take to restore their faith in the abuser. Eliminate this possibility and the potential for lies and false hope by blocking your abuser. They won’t change and even if they somehow do, the dynamic of the trauma bond within a relationship is a cycle for both people and will always remain between those two people.
What to do if you are stuck in a Trauma Bond Relationship?
If you find yourself, or someone you love, stuck in a trauma bond relationship, remember there is hope—but not in your abuser or your relationship with your abuser.
The hope is within yourself, your strength, and your support system. A therapist is also an important tool for most victims when processing leaving this type of relationship and trying not to go back to it. Seek support and accountability from your friends.
When they try to help you reinforce your boundaries with your abuser, see it as them looking out for you. Otherwise, this will be how your abuser isolates you from your support system if you go back.
I was stuck in my trauma bond for four years. I was gone for a year before I went back twice over the following two years. When you live together and your lives start to intertwine, it feels even more impossible to leave. You don’t want to give up on this person and all of the time, effort, and progress you have put in.
However, the real freedom that you experience once you’re out of the trauma bond is astonishing. The night and day difference you experience once you start dating a healthy human seems unreal.
I tried to make a friendship work with my abuser, but this made him more controlling and accusing me of lies, it even led to him telling lies about me to our friends to maintain control. Then, I found out the truth about his infidelity and lies over the past four years.
Finally, I blocked him — what freedom and relief! His control over me and ability to contact and harass me were gone! Then, I relied heavily on my support system of friends, family, and my therapist to get through the motions of healing. After this, I was finally able to fall in love with a mature, healthy human that would never think of abusing me. It’s not impossible! You just need support and reality checks.
Final Thoughts
Leaving a trauma bond is hard, but it will be the best, most refreshing decision you will have ever made. The bond may still be felt even after a long period of distance, but do not confuse it for feelings of love or destiny. Your mind and heart were played with and hurt, it is going to take time to heal and fully be released from the damage done by the trauma bond.
Give yourself grace, time, love, and lots of support.
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Photography by RODNAE Productions on Pexels.
This was a guest post written by @Breanna Brannen
