How To Manage and Overcome Relationship Anxiety
Relationship anxiety is a collection of intense emotions and worries that crop up in romantic relationships. It's like having a persistent, unwelcome houseguest that disrupts the joy and peace of your connection. Or, imagine a dark cloud hovering over your love life, casting a shadow of doubt and insecurity. Whether you're navigating the early stages of a budding romance or weathering the storms of a long-term partnership, relationship anxiety can manifest in various forms, casting doubts about yourself, your partner, or the foundation of your relationship. However, you can learn to overcome your relationship anxiety and foster greater self-compassion, resilience, and confidence.
This blog discusses:
Understanding relationship anxiety.
How relationship anxiety affects you emotionally, physically, and behaviorally.
Practical tips to overcome relationship anxiety.
Final thoughts.
Understanding Relationship Anxiety
There are several factors that contribute to relationship anxiety which include past experiences, personal insecurities, attachment styles, and relationship factors. Let’s explore some of these reasons.
Past experiences: If you have experienced previous hurts like being cheated on, lied to, or abandoned in past relationships, you might be more wary of trusting others and opening up in new relationships. Maybe you were blindsided by a breakup. Or, if you had parents who were unreliable, emotionally unavailable or overly critical, this can lead you to have an insecure attachment and difficulty maintaining healthy relationships.
Personal insecurities: Do you struggle with low self-esteem? This happens when you doubt your own worth and lovability. This can fuel anxieties about being rejected or replaced. What about having a fear of intimacy? If you feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness and vulnerability, this can lead to anxiety about getting too close in a relationship and increase your emotional distress. Do you have a need for control? If you want to control every aspect of the relationship, this can stem from anxiety from the unknown, uncertainty, fear of loss, and abandonment.
Attachment styles: If you have an anxious attachment style, you may fear abandonment and constantly worry about your partner's feelings. You may become clingy, needy, and easily provoked by perceived slights. If you have an avoidant attachment style you prefer independence and may push your partner away due to a fear of intimacy. You may struggle to commit and experience anxiety about being trapped in a relationship. This can lead to a fear of commitment.
Relationship factors: A lack of open and honest communication is crucial for trust and security in a relationship. However, if you have poor communication, this can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, and anxiety. Unclear expectations and the level of commitment or expectations for the relationship which are not clearly defined creates uncertainty and anxiety for both of you. And external stressors such a major life changes, financial difficulties, or health problems can put additional stress on your relationship and exacerbate existing anxieties.
General anxiety: If you have generalized anxiety disorder you can experience chronic and excessive worry that extends to your relationship, causing you to constantly fret about potential problems. You may also become hypervigilant and purposely look for problems that may not really exist. And if you struggle with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), you might have intrusive thoughts or compulsions around their partner's faithfulness, commitment, or the health of the relationship.
5 Emotional Signs of Relationship Anxiety
Constant worry and doubt: You may constantly worry about the health of your relationship, even if there are no apparent red flags. You might doubt your partner's feelings for you or question their commitment even if the evidence is to the contrary.
Fear of abandonment: You may have a deep fear of being left by your partner, even if they have never given you any reason to believe this might happen. This fear can manifest in jealousy, possessiveness, and clinginess. You might become overly needy or codependent as a way to manage your feelings of perceived abandonment.
Low self-esteem: You may doubt your own worth and lovability, which can make you feel insecure in your relationship. You might constantly compare yourself to others or believe that you're not good enough for your partner.
Need for constant reassurance: You may need your partner to constantly reassure you of their love and commitment. This can be through words of affirmation, physical touch, or acts of service. You seek external validation to feel better about yourself.
Self-sabotage: You may engage in behaviors that could jeopardize your relationship, such as picking fights or starting arguments. This can be a subconscious way to push your partner away before they have the chance to leave you. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
4 Physical Signs of Relationship Anxiety:
Butterflies in your stomach: You may feel a constant sense of nervousness or anxiety in your stomach, like you have butterflies fluttering around.
Racing heart: Your heart may race or pound, especially when you're around your partner or thinking about them.
Muscle tension: You may experience muscle tension, headaches, or stomachaches, as a result of your anxiety.
Difficulty sleeping: You may have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep at night, due to your racing thoughts and anxiety. You may wake up frequently during the night.
3 Behavioral Signs of Relationship Anxiety:
People-pleasing: You may go to great lengths to please your partner, even if it means sacrificing your own needs or wants. This can be a way to avoid conflict or disapproval. Again, this might leave you feeling needy or codependent on your partner.
Controlling behavior: You may try to control your partner's actions or activities in order to feel more secure in the relationship. This can be through manipulation, guilt-tripping, or isolation. You most likely don’t want to be controlling or act controlling but your anxiety leads you to act this way.
Isolating yourself from others: You may withdraw from your friends and family in order to focus all of your attention on your relationship. This can further exacerbate your anxiety and make it more difficult to cope - signs of codependency.
Practical Tips to Overcome Relationship Anxiety
Managing relationship anxiety requires different strategies to help you overcome your relationship anxiety and become more effective depending on the root cause of your anxiety. Here are some steps you can take:
Communicate and become more self-awareness:
Open communication: Talk to your partner honestly and openly about your anxieties. Explain how you're feeling and what triggers your anxiety. Active listening and reassurance from your partner can be incredibly helpful. This will help you both overcome poor communication patterns.
Identify your triggers: Pay attention to situations or behaviors that trigger your anxiety in the relationship. Understanding your triggers allows you to address them head-on. What are your triggers and where do you think they came from? Are you worried about abandonment, rejection, or infidelity? Often these triggers come from your family of origin or past relationships.
Challenge negative thoughts: Do you engage in catastrophizing or mind-reading? Learn to identify and challenge these negative thought patterns by questioning their validity and replacing them with more realistic thoughts. Look for reasons outside of yourself that could be the answer.
Build trust and security:
Practice mindfulness: Techniques like meditation and deep breathing can help you stay present in the moment and manage anxiety in the short term. Mindfulness is accepting the thoughts and feelings you have and not passing judgment on yourself. Say - ‘there’s that thought again’ and let it pass.
Build healthy boundaries: Setting healthy boundaries allows you to maintain your individual identity and emotional space, fostering a sense of security within the relationship. For example, honoring the things you like to do outside of the relationship like spending time with family and friends, journaling, or a hobby.
Focus on the present: Think about how you can start the process of not dwelling on past hurts or worry about the future. Appreciate the good things in your relationship and focus on building positive experiences together. This of course is a process. What about starting a gratitude journal? Or thinking about how you can mentally start a new chapter in your life and recognize your past hurts but not allow them to affect you presently or continue to give those thoughts energy affecting your future.
Strengthen the relationship:
Quality time: Spend quality time with your partner engaged in activities you both enjoy. This strengthens your bond and builds trust. Suggestion: What are some of the things that both of you like to do together? Make a list.
Express gratitude: Show appreciation for your partner and the things they do for you. Positive reinforcement strengthens the relationship and fosters feelings of security. Suggestion: How about having a shared gratitude journal that both of you can write in on a regular basis as a fun and safe space to share your thoughts and feelings.
Practice healthy communication: Learn to communicate assertively and effectively, expressing your needs and concerns while also actively listening to your partner. Suggestion: read about ways you can improve your communication here.
Final Thoughts
It’s important to remember that everyone experiences anxiety differently, so not everyone will experience all of these signs. However, if you're noticing several of these signs in yourself, it may be a sign that you're struggling with relationship anxiety.
If your anxiety is causing significant distress or interfering with your daily life, consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor. They can help you identify the underlying causes of your anxiety and develop healthy coping mechanisms. Or, if your relationship is also suffering due to your anxiety, couples therapy can be beneficial. It can help you and your partner understand each other better, improve communication, and navigate challenges together. You might want to work with a couples therapist.
Remember, managing relationship anxiety is a continuous process. Be patient with yourself, practice self-compassion, and celebrate your progress, no matter how small it may seem. Find ways to be more intentional with your life so you can make changes that will help you feel better about yourself, improve your self-esteem, reduce the symptoms that you are experiencing, and build trust not only in your relationship, but with yourself.
Are you experiencing relationship anxiety? I work with individuals - like yourself- who have relationship anxiety. I offer a free 15 minute consult to see if we would be a good fit. Let’s chat! I also encourage you to share their thoughts or ask questions. Don’t hesitate to leave a comment or reach out to me at hello@kristindavin.com
