How To Deal With A Codependent Parent

toxic relationshipscodependencyabusive relationships

Nov 14

At the heart of a codependent parent is an unhealthy attachment to that child that prevents their growth while they seek control over them. The codependent relationship is not a fleeting moment but a relational pattern of coping and responding. It is unhealthy and dysfunctional.

In a healthy upbringing, parents and guardians play a pivotal role in helping a child develop emotionally and mentally, their future values and behaviors are often directly influenced by their parents.

A child is like a little sponge, picking up on their parents behaviors and watching everything they do.

With a codependent parent, over time, the child’s identity can become tied up in their parent - the one person who is supposed to protect and guide them through life - in negative ways, if they are not careful.

The Root of Codependency

For the child, the root cause of codependency is often due to childhood trauma. This could be from abuse, neglect, domestic violence, divorce, or an over or under-protective parent.

They develop a false sense of self, question who they really are, and who their true self is because they have learned to forsake their needs for their parent. They struggle with low self-esteem and self-worth and often experience shame in many areas of their life.

They often have an anxious attachment, rooted in a deep fear of abandonment and feeling under appreciated. They struggle to self-soothe when they are distressed. They seek validation from others to fill the feelings of emptiness and loneliness.

Unfortunately, this becomes all-consuming because until a person learns to self-validate and be their own person, they will continue to search for external validation from another person to feel they matter and are worthy.

Because of this unhealthy attachment, the child will grow up and question their sense of self, a connection to who they are, and their inner being. They experience a sense of a ‘lost self.’

Signs of codependency

You have a constant fear of abandonment.
It is difficult for you to see yourself as your own person.
You feel bad or guilty when not meeting the needs of another person.
You have become the person that everyone depends on.
You have difficulty setting healthy boundaries and put your needs last or never.
You stay in unhealthy or toxic relationships for fear of loneliness.
You rarely if ever feel good enough or just ‘enough.’
You are a people pleaser and often feel like the doormat of other people’s feelings.
You find yourself in a relationship with an addict or narcissist.
You forsake your needs for another person.

If you notice any of these signs of codependency in one or both of your parents, and would like to discuss how we can work together, click the button below! I provide a safe space where you can talk about your issues with your parents codependency and discuss ways to move forward.

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The Codependent Parent

Has formed an unhealthy and dysfunctional attachment to their child that prevents their growth while they seek control over them.
The parent keeps the child dependent on them by continuing to reinforce dependent behaviors and discourage independent behaviors. There is often guilt attached if you try and live an independent life.
Becomes mentally and emotionally reliant on their child during stressful and challenging times.
Relies on their child for their source of happiness, self-esteem, and self-worth.
Will demonstrate conflicting behaviors such as complimenting the child and then withholding praise. This is very confusing for the child because their sense of development is not at a stage where they can make sense of what their parent is doing.
The level of love and devotion that the codependent parent demands are not sustainable, very unhealthy and dysfunctional. Unfortunately, the parent needs this level of devotion to fill the void they didn’t receive from their parents.
When they don't feel they have control over their child, they often lash out and at times experience an emotional breakdown.
Unknowingly, the child can enable the unhealthy behavior of their parent.
This also causes the child extreme emotional distress because they feel their parents happiness is in their hands - because in many ways it is.

If the cycle isn't broken, it can quickly become a legacy issue.

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5 Signs of a Codependent Parent

1.) They will try and control you.

They become overly involved in your life. They may want to know all the details of your life and relationships in an attempt to get rid of your pain - rather than helping you learn how to manage your pain on your own. They take on the responsibility for your mood and then blame themselves

They are obsessed with controlling your behavior. You might feel that your feelings are not your own. This often feels suffocating to you.

You feel like you are not allowed to have your own feelings, because you cannot. Parental control shows up in many ways.

2.) They guilt trip you.

They use guilt to pressure you to behave the way they want you to. For example, an emotionally immature parent will complain they never see or spend time with you enough, you then feel guilty and say you will spend more time with them or share more of your life with them.

Your parent might then reply, ‘never mind, don’t worry about it.’ But then you end up doing what they want you to do, making you feel in the moment, less guilty but equally frustrated. This just reinforces the dysfunctional relationship.

3. They have a hard time setting boundaries.

Boundaries are the rules that keep the emotional, mental, and physical aspects of a person’s life separate from another person. In a codependent relationship with a parent, the boundaries have become blurred.

And in many situations, your parent never learned how to set healthy boundaries growing up and do not know how to set healthy boundaries with you or others.

They have learned to disregard their own needs and expect the same from you. Their lack of self-worth is contingent on you.

They might have allowed you to be disrespectful towards them for fear of rejection and become angry if you try and set a boundary with them.

4. They manipulate your emotions.

They project their feelings onto you so they can avoid taking responsibility or experiencing shame or guilt. They are extremely emotional especially during an argument. They have rapid mood shifts. You feel like you are walking on eggshells.

They will manipulate, yell and scream until you have acquiesced. They do this using passive-aggressive behavior, like giving you the silent treatment, denying any wrongdoing, and/or withholding affection or time.

And when they feel they are losing control over the situation, they will escalate their emotions. If you attempt to set a boundary or call them out for their irrational behaviors, they will accuse you of being insensitive or just ignore you.

You are never sure how your parent feels about you. Or if they don’t get their way, they will play the victim role and sulk until you feel guilty and agree with them.

5. They play the victim.

They have mastered the role of victim and if you have mastered the role of enabler. However, it’s important to remember that as a child, this was a role you were placed in by your parent as a survival mechanism.

They play the role of victim by sulking when they don’t get their way or until you feel guilty and agree with them. They also have the victim mentality even if they were the wrong one.

They feel that other people in their life - mainly you, their child - owe them something for any offenses committed against them. They will do this through guilt tripping into you feeling bad for them to garner sympathy to ‘set the record straight.’

However, this does two things:

1.) It prevents your parent from taking responsibility for their life and working through their own traumas

2.) It demands you repair what went wrong in their life.

5 Ways to Break Your Codependent Relationship With Your Parent.

Despite being raised by a codependent parent, there are ways to can start to reclaim your sense of self, identity, and become independent. Change is possible.

Become aware. Making changes in life - any change - always starts with awareness. Becoming aware of this relationship will help you start to think about what changes you will need to make to become healthy and independent.

Learn to set healthy boundaries. This is often one of the most challenging changes to make because your codependent relationship with your parent has been a pattern that has been reinforced for several years.

Breaking free of this dysfunctional relationship, although difficult, is one of the most important steps to take. Detaching with love means allowing your parent to take responsibility for their feelings and you not owning them. Set clear rules and stick to them. Recognize this is something that you need to do in order to be healthy.

Stop enabling. Learn how to speak for yourself and stay true to your boundaries. When you learn to stop enabling this relationship pattern, there will no doubt be friction and pushback from your parent. However, you must stay true to your boundaries and not revert back to old, unhealthy behaviors because they only reinforce the toxic cycle of codependency.

If they break your boundaries you set, tell them they are doing that and you will no longer be controlled. This shifts the power from the parent to you. This is about having agency in yourself and the changes you want to make.

Practice self-care. Self-care can be anything you want it to be from journaling, starting a hobby, spending time with healthy friends, going for a walk, exercising, or spending time outside. Really anything.

Seek professional help. Seeking professional can help you not only understand the root of your codependent relationship with your parent but provide the skills and strategies to take control of your life and change your role in this relationship.Introspection and making small but necessary sustainable changes will help you to grow as a person, gain the independence you need to thrive in life.

Final Thoughts on dealing with Codependent Parents

Breaking the dysfunctional codependent relationship with your parent is not easy, but it is possible. As you learn how to set healthier boundaries and create your own identity, one small change creates another giving you strength to continue down this new path you are creating for yourself.

But by taking teeny tiny steps and one change at a time, there will be a necessary but sometimes painful shift.

Don’t give up and give in. Give yourself some grace and time.

Stay true to who you want to become by continuing to ask yourself, ‘what kind of life do I want to live? What kind of person do I want to become?

But by taking teeny tiny steps and one change at a time, there will be a shift. And despite your upbringing and being codependent, there are things you can do to become less codependent.

You can find more information on how to overcome your codependency here.

Do you want to learn how to become less codependent in your relationship with your parent? I offer a free 15-minute consultation to discuss how we can work together so you can overcome your co-dependency. Book your FREE 15 minute consultation here!